rawwwwwwwwwwwww

I'm sitting here enjoying one of my last espressos. No... not forever, but for the month of January. In order to get back on track health and diet wise and to start shedding those pounds I put on since April (due to a knee injury), I am doing 100% raw for the entire month of January. The following months I am going to stick to a 80/90% raw diet, but in order to get back to where I was several months ago I need to detox my body.

Generally, most of what I eat is healthy, I try to make most of my own meals from scratch and make every effort possible to avoid pre-processed foods. I never keep junk food in my home (apart form the occasional tub of soy ice-cream) and most of my diet consists of fruits and vegetables. In reality, I shouldn't have gained any weight at all, but after several months of not being able to work out, it slowly found it's way to my hips and ass. In August I started using the wii Fit and it was helping me whittle the pounds off... then in November... I fell off the wagon. January 1st, this girls is climbing back onto that wagon by going 100% raw and working out 7 days a week.

In order to do this, there will be sacrifices. The biggest one being coffee (I think I was sent a message this morning when my coffee maker finally conked out), but, I am doing this for my own health and self esteem and if a few sacrifices need to be made, so be it. The pay off in the end will be more than worth it.

Tomorrow I will feast on my favourite foods and drink while I bring in the new year... at midnight, I begin the work to fulfill the things I've promised myself. At midnight... I go RAW!

The women who have inspired me.

I am posing a question to all of you. What women in your life have inspired you? Not necessarily celebrities, it can be family, friends as well. I would love for you to post in the comments box, who these women are. Here is my list and an explanation as to why they inspire me.

My Grandma Betty - Grandma Betty, always had a hug, a laugh and a clever piece of advice for what every situation you were in. Her greatest piece of advice to me was, 'why do you care what they think about you, they aren't important.' This woman raised 14 children on her own, she was beautiful, warm, loving and tough. And damn she could make the meanest shortbread. I miss her every single day.






My Mom - She has more faith in me than I do at times, sees the good in everything and was the one who always made sure I had books to read, art supplies and things to write in as a kid. Being creative was one of the most important things for us to be growing up. Oh and she always makes me pie :)







Viki and Janis - Two of my best friends, sisters and family. Fiercely independent and full of life. They have seen me through some of the toughest times in my life and are always right behind me, ready and willing to kick my ass when I start to falter... now if that isn't inspiration!







Fran Drescher - Fran is one of the spunkiest women on the face of the earth. This self proclaimed 'chubby girl from Queens' had a dream and worked her tushie off to get it. That success story alone should be enough to inspire all women to achieve their best. Along the way she has also fought one of the greatest battles any human can, cancer, and is not only a survivor but an outspoken and passionate advocate to find a cure.






Tina Turner - She isn't just a great pair of gams. This lady is a force to be respected, showing women that attitude is the most powerful thing we have!
















Bette Davis - Showed us that it's ok to be called a bitch to get what you want.




















Mary Shelley - Against all odds and during a time in our history were women were considered a lesser being, this woman created the greatest and most famous monster of all time. Frankenstein.














The Flappers and the Suffragettes - Breaking down walls for women and their Independence! Making sacrifices to give us our voice!

food coma!

Wow!!! I haven't eaten this much food in a while... I am literally in a food coma today and all of this was due to a wonderful christmas! Originally I was suppose to go to my parents in Wiarton for the holidays, but due the bad road conditions we decided it was safer if they didn't make the trek to Toronto. I'd much rather they come down for a delayed christmas when the weather is good... I was sad because I wasn't going to be with them, but the last week and especially the last couple days have make it an incredible christmas and I have my amazing friends (who I call family) to thank. I know I tell you guys all the time, but I never feel like I say it enough, you are all beyond wonderful and I am glad I have you in my life...

Lots of food, wine and laughing, that is what it is suppose to be all about!

Now I'm going to go take a nap... cause I need to prepare for the Gerard Butler movie/wii bowling night!!!

Reflections...

Normally I'm not one to sit and reflect. I'm not a live in the past type of gal. What's done is done, you can't change it, so move on. Yet, I am sitting here thinking about the last year. It has been insanely busy and full of change. Some good, some bad, some extraordinary.

I've said hello to new friends, good bye to some old ones.
I've started a relationship and ended it.
I've spent the year writing and living out my dream.
I've seen things and been places that were on my todo list.
I've realized what a true friend is and I have seen what it is like to be hurt by a friend.
I've learned some hard lessons, the biggest one was regarding trust.
I've learned that solitude is the best way to deal with ones anger.

Because of everything that has happened to me this year, I've realized a few things about myself, some I don't like and other things I am proud of. One thing I did realize is I have been given a gift and I need to start working harder to achieve the goals that come with that gift. Reflecting, I realize that 2009 is going to be a stellar year, but I need to work harder to make dreams come to fruition.

Do I regret any of the negative things that have happened in my life. Not at all, they happen so you appreciate the wonderful things, that and I live by the motto 'never live your life with regrets, don't wake up tomorrow and say to yourself, woulda, coulda, shoulda.' Life is to short for regrets.

2009 is just a few days away and I cannot wait for it to get started!!! I know this crazy journey that is my life is about to get crazier and I have amazing family and friends who are willing to come along on the ride with me, and I promise those who do that it is going to be one hell of a ride.

The Paranormal Show's run has been extended!!!

The Paranormal Show has extended it's run at the Campbell House till December 20th.

The Paranormal Show has just completed a successful two month run at the Diesel Playhouse, performing six amazing shows a week! NOW you can witness The Paranormal Show in an intimate setting that puts you in the middle of all the action! Opening November 13th 2008, The Paranormal Show can be seen at Toronto's oldest remaining home, The Campbell House!

Your journey into the Paranormal will begin on the top floor in the Campbell House Ballroom. The Victorian candle lit corridors, shadows dancing on the walls and the ambient cello music playing will set the mood as the evening progresses. After seeing some spectacular feats the mind bending journey will end when the audience makes their way down to the cellar to experience a full blown Seance!

www.theparanormalshow.net

SHOW INFORMATION:
Location Campbell House Museum, 160 Queen St. W, Toronto, Ontario, M5H 3H3
Box Office 416 597 0227
Dates December 5, 12, 19, 20
Showtime 9pm
Price $40.00

No mans land...

The last few days, I've felt this... dark hole opening up again. I feel like I am spiraling back down into no man's land... a purgatory of sorts. I sat here last night trying to figure out why, I tried comfort food (waffles), I tried watching movies, I even tried my old fall back, Jimmy Stewart. Nothing seems to have worked. I don't like this at all, I especially don't like the person I become, though a sure benefit is I tend to do my best writing when I'm in the place.

There is a combination of things that happened to put me here, insomnia is a part of it, but not in whole. I'm also my own worst enemy because I let myself get to this point by not speaking up or out, by letting things go when I shouldn't, grin and act like everything is fine when it's not and this is all completely avoidable, yet... here I am once again... I know this sounds like whining, woe always me, and if it does, so be it. So what's to be done? I will disappear into my own world for a while, write, watch movies and eat waffles.

Somewhere along the line I will will pull out my Jimmy Stewart, because what I really need right now, is a Jimmy Stewart in my life, but for now I guess I will have to settle for the one in my DVD collection.

I'm not getting the message...

This morning was the third morning in a row I have woken up from the same nightmare. I wake up feeling drained and full of dread. Normally when I dream, it is as if I am watching movie happening, when I have nightmares I see it all as I would through my own eyes. This nightmare is no exception, including full Technicolor, surround sound and terrifying emotion.

The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.

Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.

I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.

I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.

me again....

http://www.brokenpencil.com/news/blog.php?bpblogid=305

Check me out!!!

Check out an interview that was done with me by the lovely D. COLE OSSANDON.

http://www.shamelessmag.com/blog/2008/10/carolina-smart-queen-of-shebytches/#more

Positivity...

Positivity, isn't a real word... but I may add it to my growing book of words I've made up (descriptor words). It is however the verb I have decided to use to represent my life in the last few weeks. Far too long I have kept people and things in my life that dragged me down, tried to pull me into their constant drama and negativity. Something happened recently that gave me the kick in the pants that was needed to wake me up, to realize it was time to remove all these negative things from my life. So I did and since, everything that has been happening in my life is golden.

A few years ago I did something similar, cleaned house so to speak, but somehow I left some of those grey, negative dust bunnies back in. Those bunnies come in many shapes and forms and cannot be trusted. They are sneaky and get into corners that we sometimes cannot reach, yet when we find them they fight long and hard to deny their existence in order to stay hidden. I found those bunnies and sucked them up with a vacuum and then flushed them down the toilet. Gone bye bye for ever!

I've learned a hard lesson here, but not one I will ever forget and not one I will EVER repeat again. I only want positive things, influences and people in my life, the things/ones that are currently in my life I plan on keeping, the negatives that fight to creep back in won't ever be allowed to again.

Positivity is how I plan to live my life from this point forward.

Patience and lack there of....

I need to learn how to be more patient!!! It is 4:57pm and I am sitting here STILL waiting for UPS to deliver my package. A package I apparently need to sign for... I'm starting to stew, you see I had my day all planned out. I was going to get up, do admin stuff, shower, run to the grocery store, do laundry, cook and write. The only thing I've been able to do all day, is write. Because I know the second, I hop in the shower, go put the laundry in or anything that doesn't allow me to run to the door... they will appear. I always tend to be the last person on their route, no matter where I live. And it is causing me great frustration (all though it has given me an awesome idea for a short story).

UPS aren't the only ones causing my patience to run thin. I have come to realize today that it isn't just delivery guys. I am impatient in soooo many other ways. Losing weight for instance. I know you can't rush it, that in order for you to lose weight and keep it off you need to do it slowly and properly. I get that. I have been working out every single day with my wii fit since the beginning of August and was starting to get frustrated on monday. In my mind at the rate I work out I should have lost 20 lbs by now... not 8. I should have better definition and look buff... Um.. I had to remove myself from fantasy land!!! 8lbs in month and half is pretty damn good! So I've convinced myself to not give up again. To keep working out. I love to eat, so unless I want to end up at 300lbs, I need to keep pushing on.

I have zero patience when it comes to dating, relationships etc. I'm a brat, I need lots of attention all the time and when I don't get it as often as I like, I write people off. I figure they can't make the effort, then why should I. Of course this all comes from one bad experience, where I was extremely patient with one person and in the end I felt like I wasted so much time! From that point on, I lose patience pretty much right away. This also goes for people in general. I've tried to change this but can't. I feel by doing that I'm lowering my standards of how I expect to be treated. I refuse to do that anymore. But the pay off can't be pushing people away due to my lack of patience.

Then there is my career. I understand my chosen field of writing is never a overnight success type. There is a lot of long hard work that needs to be done before I can ever reach success.

I need to be more realistic. I need to be more patient. I need to stop being a brat.

Embracing Spinsterhood

Recently I was told by three women who are near and dear to my heart, (mother, and 2 best friends) that I am quite a catch. Really? Really. I find this statement quite interesting because I have yet to be caught. The longer I go not being caught, whilst watching many of my female friends starting relationships, getting engaged/married, having babies and so forth, I wonder... have I not been caught because I'm too hard to catch or because I'm not suppose to be caught? I kept struggling with that point and it was frustrating me. Today I saw the word spinster and thought shit, that is what I am turning into, a spinster. After a few moments of pondering this, I realized, that isn't a bad thing. I'm 42, childless, independent, driven, intelligent, intellectual, creative and damn it can make a mean tart. I'm pretty damn awesome and it's too bad that someone, other than the women in my life, hasn't figured it out. Rather than mope on the fact, I've decided to take my awesomeness to the next individual, independent level and embrace the fact that I am a spinster. Sing it out loud sister!

Normally the word spinster would be taboo because the spinsters of yore aren't the same as the ones today, yet people still continue to understand the term as it was originally meant. This is the traditional meaning of the word spinster. "A spinster (or old maid) is a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry, therefore has no children. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is generally considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term "bachelor" for males. While men can continue to have children into their 70s or 80s, women generally become less and less able to bear children as they get older. So the term "old maid" is only applied to women who are past a child bearing age but have never married." In some ways a spinster today isn't the same and in other ways it is, and even with today's standards I am now considered a spinster. Yes it is 2008, I am still considered at 42 unmarriable. Sounds a little harsh, yes, but it is actually quite true. Men my age rarely want to marry someone their own age. They require a younger model with the options of reproduction. (I guess they haven't heard that women can still bear children until their mid 50's). Ok, so be it, but they also don't realized those younger models will also be in their 40's one day.

I'm not going to lie, this still makes me a wee bit sad. But, rather than spending wasted energy on the fact that I am a spinster, I am actually going to embrace it. Every family has one spinster aunt. That gets to be me. I've always been an individual, the odd ball out in my family, so it is fitting.

Welcome to the spinsterhood, I am going the wear the title with pride!!!

by the gods, I made it out alive

Right now I am enjoying a big bowl of fruit... oh how wonderful and yummy these purple and red berries taste. Going without food for 10 days has made me appreciate them. As I said in an earlier blog, I won't be doing the master cleanse again, I'm not saying it's a bad way to detox, I now have a clean slate to work with in my quest to eat as healthy as possible, I'm just not doing it again. The reason I'm not doing this one again, (as the food crazies from day 7 on almost made me mad) during it I started to think it was time to find a different way to detox. So I will.

Today was the first day I was able to beat up my wii boxing guy and that made me happy. It almost felt like I was doing it for the very first time again! Since starting the wii fit and in combination with the fast, I have lost a little over 15 lbs. I have about another 15 to go to be at my target weight.

I can smell the soup cooking in the crock pot... mmmmmmm I can't wait for dinner time when I finally get to put something warm in my tummy that isn't herbal tea. I AM SO F*CKIN G SICK OF HERBAL TEA AND LEMONADE, you have no clue. I actually didn't finish the jug I had from yesterday. Me thinks, it might be going down the sink, at this point I can't even stand the sight of it!!!

Right now, I'm going back to my bowl of fruity goodness... oh food, how do I love thee!

time to tighten the belt....

Last day of the fast. I made it!!! I am however beyond sick of lemonade and herbal tea. I found this fast was hard. I was good till day 7 then the food crazies set it and I've been fighting them since. I was going stir crazy to be exact. I have decided that I won't be doing this one again. I've done it several times and this time was insane. There are tonnes of other ways to detox and I will in future explore other methods.

I can feel my body screaming for food! Literally! I need to start listening when my body tells me things. This isn't my mind playing tricks. I am starving! I've done my 10 days.

My belt is literally being tightened in other ways as well. I need to find cheaper ways of surviving. I've cut back on services such as cable and internet and am starting a search for a cheaper 1 bedroom apartment. I wanted to move anyway. A combination of outrageous rent, and annoying neighbours is pushing me out. That and I am too far north of downtown for my liking. So the apartment hunt in the Queen W and Roncesvalles area begins again. I should have moved there to begin with a year and a half ago, I took this place out of convenience and shouldn't have.

I need to see if I can pull that belt in one more notch!

are we there yet?

Today, tomorrow and I'm done!!! I am so tired of lemonade and herbal tea it isn't even funny! But, I need to push on...

On your first day off you are suppose to only drink fresh orange juice. Not going to happen. I did that first fast and I was starving all day. The orange juice is suppose to prepare your stomach for food. Since the first one (and have done many fasts since) I have started my day off with fresh apple/pear/ginger juice, then a huge bowl of fresh fruit, a snack of crackers and then a big bowl of soup for dinner. Day two is suppose to be what I just mentioned. I already decided the soup I am having. Squash soup! Thursday morning I am going to fill my crock pot with all the ingredients and by dinner time.. SOUP!

Loving to torment myself, I went to the grocery store and bought food! My fridge is once again full of fresh fruit and veggies, just waiting for me to make it!!! I am tempting fate here. All that food had me salivating, but.. I have to do it! I have to not eat any of it. Thursday is only 45.5 hours away.... the countdown to Food Day has begun!

brains.. brains... mmmmmmmmmmm

It's day 8 and I AM HAVING FOOD CRAZIES. I'm not hungry, not in the least, yet I have this uncontrollable urge to rip my cupboards open right now and devour anything edible. The crazies started last night while I was watching a zombie movie and smacking my lips to the sound of tearing flesh. I was actually salivating at the thought of it!

It is only 1.5 more days to go. I know I can make it, but am wishing 'is it Thursday morning yet and WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING' point, that I always get to around now. Usually I start obsessively looking at food on the internet or in cookbooks. I haven't done that yet... YET. At some point before Thursday I also have to go buy food. I have nothing in my fridge that is fresh. Walking through the market is going to be TORTURE. But.. I will do it, put on my blinders, come home, unpack it all and drink some more lemonade!

The insanity is starting to set in, but... I am almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and there is a huge bowl of soup waiting for me.

Viki, Janis and I will be going out Sunday to celebrate, it will be a well deserved feast!

Day 6, it's all downhill from here

Whoo hoo day 6! Past the halfway mark. I feel ok, I notice I am sleeping longer than usual and losing my energy around 5 pm. Which is fine, I will just snuggle up on my couch with some old monster movies! I am attempting to get out today and go to the Queen West Art Crawl. A couple of friends are vendors and I want to go say hi. And I NEED to get out of my apartment. I spent another Friday night, on the couch watching TV and movies instead of having a life! I need to stop being such a hermit!

I also realized I stopped doing something and once the fast is done I am going to start again. Taking myself out on dates. I use to do this all the time. Go to a nice restaurant, order delicious food, read a book and eat. Or similar at a coffee shop. Wander around the city etc. Instead I have had my head stuck in this laptop too long. Also, if I take myself out on a date, I know how the evening is going to end!

Ok, fingers crossed that the rain holds off so I can get some air, that isn't on my balcony!

According to the media, I have a eating disorder called Orthorexia

Wow, I don't even know where to start! My friend received this email from Global to be interviewed re: Orthorexia. She declined and wrote back as to why. This email and the focus behind it infuriates me! Please read their email first then my response to this foolishness, below.

Hi,

My name is reporter X and I work at Global News here in Toronto. The Family Health reporter (reporter Y) and myself are working on a story about "orthorexia" and more simply, people that are health-food obsessed, like to eat raw foods and everything organic and pure. It seems to be a growing trend in North America.

We are looking for an individual to interview for our story (typically a health-conscious person living in and around the Toronto area). The reason I'm sending you a message is because you are a part of the "Raw Foodists In The GTA" group...and was hoping you would be interested in doing a short interview with us? The story is set to air on Friday Sept. 12, 2008 during the 6 p.m. news.

If you are interested or know anyone who would be able to do an on-camera interview about eating healthy, please let me know.

Thanks for your time.

-Reporter X

It's too bad they think what we have is a disease or disorder. And a trend? How can healthy eating be a trend, it's a life style!!! And I love their quote "and more simply, people that are health-food obsessed, like to eat raw foods and everything organic and pure" nice way to candy coat it to suck people in! I choose not to eat meat for ethical and health reasons, I choose to fast so I can cleanse my body of toxins that are now found in every ounce of food we eat, organic or not, I choose to eat organic to lessen those toxins and I choose to eat mostly raw vegan food because it provides my body with all the nutrients it needs to survive. We live in a society that is obsessed with supplements and adding pro-biotic this and biotic that to prepackaged processed foods to make them healthier. I eat and take the time to prepare my own meals, with fresh ingredients, so I can fight disease, stay healthy and live longer. But.. someone decided that it is an obsession and therefore a disease. If you take one look at me you see a very healthy girl. None of my friends are starving or unhealthy either and we all subscribe to the same eithics!

Eating healthy is not a trend, disorder or a disease! It is a lifestyle. It is sad that up until around the 1950's, we ate the way I eat now, processed food became popular and convenience became more important than substance. I will continue to eat organic raw vegan food, watch how much sugar or wheat enters my body and research ways to be healthier. Do I have a disease, no I have a conscience.

Websites explaining what Orthorexia is:

http://www.orthorexia.com/
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthorexia_nervosa

Half way mark...

Today is day five, the half way mark. Not officially half way till I actually make through the day, but so close! I have a bunch of running around to do today so am hoping, I will keep hunger at bay. I am feeling a lot better today, my energy is coming back, but I still can't over do it!

Last night I dreamt I was stealing bits of food here and there. Sneaking bites of strawberries, biscuits etc, and the entire time worried that viki and janis were going to catch me doing it. I know I had a few other bizarre dreams but the food one was the only one I could recall.

On the weight lost end of things, I've lost .4 lbs.

Food, food everywhere food!

Why is it when I am fasting, I notice how much food is out there... commercials, magazines, tv shows... EVERYWHERE. I am almost through day 4 of my fast and suddenly this evening I am over come with HUNGER. It comes in waves, I talk myself down then.... blammo... food in my face. It doesn't matter how bad the food is, people are mostly eating animals. It actually turns me off, but it is the motions and expression of the actors faces, eating, chewing... enjoying!

It is starting to push me over the edge... and I have 5 plus days to go. I even tried distracting myself by reading World War Z, but the mention of the zombies tearing into human flesh.. you get my point... rumble rumble rumble...

There may even be an echo down in my belly. And it's echoing back, FEED ME! FEED ME!

After Wednesday you will get fed... and fed well! Now stop thinking about food!

The hunger.. THE HUNGER!!!!!

So um.. in the last hour.. I've gotten HUNGRY!!! I've went almost 4 days without craving or thinking about food. Right now, I am having cravings for... mushroom gravy and mashed potatoes!!!!!!! Also every time I walk into the kitchen my popcorn maker is calling my name... use me.. use me. is whispers.. STOP!!!!! I can do this. I can get till end of day Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday will be my test. I foolishly didn't buy enough syrup and will need to walk into carrot to buy more.. and lemons, but in order to get to the syrup I have to pass several racks of baked goods.. I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!!

Now I'm going to drink a pot of tea in hopes it will fill my tummy with warmness and liquid... EEGAH!

Day 4... I'm confused...

It's day 4 of my cleanse/fast. I feel much better today, I think the constant flow of vitamin C going through my body kicked the flu to the curb. That and all the sleep... I'm a little confused though, today when I weighed myself via wii fit... I've gained .5 of a pound... um... how does one gain weight during a fast. On days one and two I only consumed 3 glasses of the lemonade each day, yesterday I drank 5. 2 extra glasses shouldn't add .5 lbs, not to mention I did 30 minutes of yoga and went for a 30 minute walk yesterday so... How is it even possible, that I gained weight. Surely an extra teaspoon of maple syrup to sweeten my tea didn't do it. I think in total I consumed 600 calories yesterday.

In the past, day 4 has been the day where i start losing fat, the first 2 days are water. Like I said, I'm confused, but, like my love life, I am not going to bother trying to figure it out... I will just be frustrated.

He who lives looking for pleasures only, his senses uncontrolled, immoderate in his food, idle, and weak, Mara (the Tempter) will certainly overthrow him, as the wind throws down a weak tree. He who lives without looking for pleasures, his senses well controlled, moderate in his food, faithful and strong, him Mara will certainly not overthrow, any more than the wind throws down a strong mountain.
Dhammapada V. 7-8

whole foods!

In addition to what I was saying in the blog previous to this. I am doing research on how to improve my diet. A few books I have an are reading or rereading are:

Get It Ripe by Jae Steele - great advice and very tasty recipes!
Greens for Life by Victoria Boutenko - this book will open your eyes about whole foods and green smoothies
Raw Food Detox Dietby Natalia Rose - also a great way to learn how to switch to a raw diet.

I also need to get to a local book store and grab more books. I need suggestions as well on what I should be reading/links etc.

Day 3 lemonade yum.. chamomile yuck

It's day 3, and I am down another 2.2lbs. Again this could be a lot of water, you don't really start losing fat till after day 3. I am getting incredibly bored with the Chamomile and Peppermint tea. I am going to attempt to get some air (after 2 days in bed) and head over to the health food store and see what other herbal teas they have to offer. However, once the fast is done, I need to be regimented and keep the weight I've lost from the fast off as well as lose the rest to get to my goal of 140lbs. I was immobile for almost 3 mths because of a sprained knee and gained twenty some pounds. I am not happy about it. I have a lot more hard work ahead but will get there. Taking my health and diet to the next level, drinking only occasionally (and keeping it to a minimum of 2 drinks), working out daily.

My diet is one thing that is an important thing to change. I come from a family background of diabetes and heart disease. Both sides of my family suffer from it. I am a Vegan so that right there has cut my chances of getting either disease greatly, I was raw Vegan for 6 months, then due to many life changes found it hard to maintain. After the fast I will be going back to a largely raw diet, but I am a foodie and I LOVE to cook and create new recipes, I know I cannot deprive myself from the occasional cooked meal, so I won't. Removing canned and processed foods from my diet are also going to make a big difference.

This fast has come at a time when I need it the most!

sleeping beauty...

It's Day 2 of the fast... yesterday I only had 3 glasses of lemonade.. today 2 so far... I normally drink 6 each day. It's not because I'm not hungry... I haven't had a chance to be.. so far I've slept through 2 days almost. As I said I'm not feeling well, and all I want to do is sleep... so I have been... I just had another 4 hour nap and am sure I will be in bed by 9 again tonight...

On a happy note, I just found the Hilarious House of Frankenstien playing on Drive Inn Classics

Day 2....

It's day 2 of my cleanse. It's a gorgeous day out, a day I should be enjoying. Walking around in the crisp air that signifies the beginning of fall. I should be wandering around Yorkville right now, seeing out stars, carrying a large tea in my hand. But, I'm not. I'm sitting on my couch, waiting for the kettle to boil, then I will spend the day here writing.

I'm not feeling well physically and emotionally. I feel drained and weak, have had a headache for 3 days. None of this is due to the fast, it started a few days before, my throat is hot and I am achy all over. Yesterday I slept all afternoon and last night was in bed by 9:30 not crawling out again till 10 am. I still feel like poo, for lack of a better word. As I said in an earlier post it's times like this when I would love to have someone take care of me.

On a happy note, I lost 3.3 lbs on my first day of the fast, all water I am sure though...

blah can someone make me a cup of tea...

Normally I would say I love living on my own, for the most part it's amazing but for the other parts, it sucks. It sucks even more at moments like this and right now it would be nice to have someone else around. When I'm not feeling well, I am admittedly a big baby. I want a big bowl of vegan hot and sour soup from Buddha's Vegetarian Restaurant, someone to make me tea, give me a massage and dote on me. When I am not feeling well I want someone to crawl under a quilt with, cuddle and watch movies.

I think my mother may have spoiled me that way. But... considering that I'm on my own, if I wasn't fasting, I would go get that big bowl of soup and I will shuffle into the kitchen to make my own tea. If I had the energy I'd run a bath but... instead, I am going to lay here on the couch and whine, watch a movie and be a big baby... at least the dogs are snuggle worthy...

Day 1 of a cleanse

Today is day 1 of my cleanse. I am once again doing the master cleanse. I am trying to do it twice a year. I really feel like I need it right now. I am working really hard to lose weight and get back in shape and am working hard to take my eating and health up to the next level. I am also feeling down right now about certain issues in my life and feel this will help me in many ways.

I started feeling ill yesterday. I feel like I'm getting a cold. Not happy about that, but am hoping the fast will kick it out of my system. I'm sure being out in the pouring rain, getting my feet wet and then wandering around the Vegetarian Food Fair with wet feet didn't helping matters. But after my weekend, I needed to get out of my apartment.

Last week I felt like I was finally coming out of my funk. Then the events of this weekend pushed me right back down to the bottom. There is no point talking about the circumstances around it. It will just frustrate me more. What this weekend did was open my eyes about a few people. People I thought I had figured out. People I thought wouldn't kick me when I was down. Not to mention that saying about glass houses...

So today I start my fast, while I'm fasting I will still work out, do yoga and am going to start meditating again. I am also going to take a good long look at my eating habits and all the things I can do to improve them even more. One of the changes I am definitely making and have already started is I am no longer going to use canned goods and try to remove processed food from my diet all together. I still have some canned chick peas and a few other things in my cupboard, once those are done, I will only buy dried or fresh beans, tomatoes etc. I would LOVE to live in a place where I could have a garden, but that is impossible, but for next year am going to put a container garden on my balcony (tomatoes, peppers, herbs and anything else I can grow). I will also try to prepare almost all of my meals from scratch. I am pretty much do now, but I do include processed sometimes. I need to avoid that as well, the one thing I am not sure how to get around is tofu, but if that is the only processed thing in my diet then that is pretty good!

The other thing I need to figure out during this fast is me. I know where I want to go in my career. Be a writer and I'm doing that. My personal life is a mess! I need to fix it. I need to get myself out of this funk. I realized the only person than can make me happy is me. A cleanse is a house cleaning of the body so to speak, now I need to do a complete house cleaning of my personal life.

is this really a smart idea.........

Um, not sure if this is brilliant or really DUMB or brilliantly stupid. I'm gonna go with the latter...

Home laser hair removal... shouldn't some things, involving lasers, be left to professionally trained people... what is next.. home laser eye surgery kits??? Mind you.. if they take pay pal.. Yikes!

http://epilalaserhairremover.com/

once upon a time where there were no meat recalls...

Once upon a time.. we use to prepare our meals from scratch, grow our own gardens and the entire family use to also sit around the table together on a sunday night for a huge meal with dessert...

Once upon a time.

We are an evolving society. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing so at too quick of a pace. Computers, video games, iPods, GPS, microwavable dinners, processed food ready to be eaten directly out of the package. In the last few months I have been once again reminded why, I like a 1950's house wife, prefer to take the time to prepare meals from scratch. I try as hard as I can to stay away from processed food. If you look in my fridge there is tonnes of fresh fruits and veggies, and my freezer is packed full of frozen meals that I originalIy prepared from fresh ingredients. I too am guilty of convenience, you will find some of that in my freezer, but only a small portion of it.

Food related issues in the news of late is making me proud of my culinary skills and the fact I don't eat meat... where do I start? First it was the tomato, mushrooms and lettuce recalls, then the Maple Leaf meats, now processed cheeses are being recalled due to Listeria. Listeria isn't just making people sick, they are dying. It is times like this that people need to start thinking about going back to tradional ways of eating/cooking (ie preparing your meals with fresh ingredients). There are so many benefits from it and is something truly satisfying from knowing you're eating something you prepared yourself, you will be healthier and it tastes so much better!

I hear over and over people complaining about convenience, no time to cook, blah blah blah... there are ways around that. When you do cook, triple the recipe and freeze single serving portions. Or my favourite tool, get a slow cooker. Throw everything in the night before, turn it on before you go to work and when you get home, a meal is waiting for you.

I already eat well and healthy, seeing these news stories made me realize I can push it up a notch. Growing up we always had a garden, this past summer my Aunt sent me back on a regular basis with tonnes of stuff from her garden. So, over the winter I am going to start seeds for my own container garden. I have tonnes of window space and the knowledge on how to. Being able to walk out to my balcony this summer and cut fresh herbs had me thinking why stop there. So I won't. My dream would be to live in a place where I could have a garden of my very own, but this will do for now.

I don't want to be the preachy Vegan, I really don't, but all of these food scares should be hopefully waking people up and making them realize that meat and convenience need to be reconsidered. I don't own a microwave haven't for quite some time and trust me, I can prepare a meal in under 20 minutes, that is only 15 minutes more than a microwave dinner. Is a frozen dinner or a package of sandwich meal, really that much more of a convenience. Also take into consideration other things such as MSG and sodium, all those foods are packed with them.

Let's get back to tradition, I want to... and I have the big ass table for the Sunday dinners :)

the power of positive thinking...

Yesterday three very wonderful things happened, all very unexpected, but wonderful. I had a rough start to the day.. in fact it's been a rough ride since the beginning of the year. Fall how ever, brings change for me. I find that when the leaves start to change, so does my attitude. For me the growing darkness brings light. Yesterday morning, I was at my darkest, by mid-morning was shaking my head trying to grasp something that had happened and by the end of the night realized, I need to make changes. If one could realize their mistake and own up to them, if one other could do the things after ten years I didn't think he could and if another, could always make me feel alive when I see him, then why couldn't I take those things as being positive and continue to carry that positive energy with me?

For the past couple months I've been in a deep, dark funk that I cannot seem to pull myself out of. As I said, yesterday I was at my lowest, then three things happened to make me realize that the things I keep thinking can never happen, are. If I think positive, keep in the light, then the things in that I want in my life will come to me. Staying in the light means continuing to think positive. I am taking the things that happened to me yesterday and using them to help me change my attitude. I know I am still going to have moments where I feel down, alone and sad, but I will make a bigger effort to find the positive. I know that a huge part of my problem is my impatience. "Good things come to those who wait." Is that the saying that I heard my grandmother repeat over and over when I was a kid? I know that if I take one step at a time, I will get there without falling down. I'm tired of falling down.. it hurts.

Yesterday was and eye opener and the kick in the ass that I needed.

apparently I'm not compatible with myself

I have this at the bottom of my blog. It's a fun little widget. I decided to see if I was compatible with myself... um... apparently I'm not.. I think I am going to have the talk with myself.. but.. who has to move out...

the day of the high and the low and awaiting the rift to open up...

I'm working on a short story about something that happened to me as a child. A nightmarish time spent at summer camp. I've decided to turn it into a tale of horror, because what happened during that visit to camp in reality was pretty damn close. I tend to write better when I am angry or sad as I am able to use those emotions to develop story lines that need to be dark... I am trying very, very hard to concentrate and get the rest of the outline written, but all I've been doing is shaking my head.

Two things happened today, both dealing with men but both completely different extremes. The first, which was the emotional dark attitude I needed to be pushed into this morning was, one mans attitude towards me. Making me feel used and disposable.. a convenience shall we say. It made me angry, very angry. I was using this anger in positive manner, if that makes any sense, then a few hours later something happened to change that.

The first man to ever break my heart, apologized to me. Now, it's been years! YEARS since it happened, but... he apologized. I was at a point where I thought I had lost all faith, that there wasn't even one decent man left out there. I had actually convinced myself of this, then one sentence changed that. Turns out, not all men are jerks. It is the first and likely the last man who will ever apologize to me (and the God's know there are many who should be but...). Well, at least and possibly 3 men out of how many billions, that may not be jerks... Ok, it's a start.

However, this is one of those things that.. well.. because of the extreme shift in emotions that happened... could possibly cause a tear or a rift in the universe. I'm sitting here waiting for that door to open, for me to realize I am actually in an alternate dimension... like the Twilight Zone....

Favourite new vegan blog!!!!

Check this blog out.. uber cool!!!

http://kitteekake.blogspot.com/

My wii Fit and I are fighting today

I should be proud of myself. I am day 14 with my wii Fit (only taking one day off) and have lost 6 lbs so far. I would have to say that is pretty damn amazing. Then I stepped on Mr. wii Fit (yes I attribute the machine to a male) and... I gained 2 lbs. 2lbs? How is that possible. How in one day could I gain 2 lbs? I replayed yesterday's events in my head. I worked out, barely ate anything and was running around all afternoon... shouldn't I have lost 2 lbs...

I am very, very confused. I checked to make sure the clothing I have been wearing when getting weighed is the same. Check. Empty stomach. Check. Went over what I did again in my head yesterday. Check. I even did more aerobic than strength training. Check.... So... why did I gain weight? Mr wii Fit even asked me similar questions and when I replied I didn't know why I gained 2 lbs, he ... asked me.. "Are you sure you don't know the answer to that question?" I am already super self conscious right now. I gained weight due to be immobile for 2 months (sprained knee) and am working my ass off (literally) to lose that weight and get back into shape. Having a stupid computer talk down to me isn't helping right now.

So... what am I going to do.. I am going to go and beat up the boxing guy.

oh.. and...

Mr. wii Fit... Your a jerk!!!

TV or not TV...

That is the question...

Ya, ya... ripping off Shakespeare AGAIN...

Am currently debating if I should cancel my cable.. or at least cut it down to basic. I almost never watch it and when I do, it's always the same 4 channels... cp24 (I can get this on the web), spike (and only to watch csi... which i can get on dvd), showcase (all of which i can get on dvd) and scream....

I haven't even had the cable on in the last month, other than last sunday morning when the propane explosion happened. Instead, I've been writing, listening to music, or watching DVD's. I've lost all interest in cable otherwise... literally a thousand channels and nothing on.

I also need to start considering finances and cutting out the unnecessary expenses... me thinks ... cable will be the first pound of flesh to go...

wii Fit... the angry personal trainer...

I'm currently on a mission to lose some weight and get back into shape. A few months ago I sprained my knee while running and was basically a couch potato for 2 months because of it. During this time, I gained some weight and I am NOT happy about it. So.. the mission begins. About 2 weeks ago I started to work my way back to being a Raw Vegan (eating approx. 90% raw food) and for the month of August I'm trying to stick to 100% raw. I'm not going raw to lose weight, that is just a benefit from it (some are worried I will lose my booty in the process... no worries there, I will ALWAYS have a booty). A raw diet is to ensure my health is always at it's best. In order to lose weight and keep it off, I need to work out. So work out I will.

I had to make a choice, do I renew my gym membership or get a wii fit unit. Financially the cost for either equals out. I weighed the pros and cons and the wii fit came out on top. It isn't out of site so it won't be out of mind. I have no excuses this way. I have also talked to a few people who own the wii fit and they not only are losing weight and getting in shape but, they are having fun with it. Fun for me is important, if I get bored... I'm done. I was also warned about it's personality...

Personality? Yes, the wii fit has a personality. This is the drill sergeant fitness trainer of the gaming system world. Don't get me wrong here, it helps to motivate you, tells you when you are doing something well, but.. forget a day or stop part way through a segment... YIKES! It berates you. NO, I am NOT exaggerating here. It actually makes you feel guilty. I missed one day... ONE day and it actually asked me if I was 'Too Busy' to find the time to work out. Not just that, but... I need to build my upper body strength. I had to stop part way through push-ups... that or smash my face into the balance board... and it heckled me for taking a break and told me that my upper body isn't strong enough to do the exercise... but keep trying... I felt like a 10 year old getting in trouble for having her hand in the cookie jar...

I know I will stick to this... I have to.. I'm afraid if I miss any days... well... my wii will videodrome itself... wait.. that just gave me an idea for a short story....

off to work out... so I don't get yelled at.

are you new...

apparently when it comes to certain people... I'm new...

new...

I just noticed that today is the beginning of a new moon. This is significant to me because today is also my birthday and the Day of Loki. For those unaware of who he is, he is known by many names but is the Norse God of strife. Loki is known for rearing his head on this day.. today.. I suggest he will not.

New moon = new beginning and as everyone knows, I am due in so many ways!!!

The Fog...

This morning my Mom had to drop her van off at the mechanics as it needed have a few things repaired. The garage was out in Red Bay (approx. 15 minutes north of Wiarton). I had to follow her, to the garage, in their truck. (I figured being the kind daughter, I would make her walk all the way back to town.) It was lovely and sunny on the crazy curving road. We had cottages on one side and Lake Huron on the other. As we turned a very sharp corner, we entered a very thick patch of fog. I wondered to myself, what will lay on the other side of that fog... more cottages or have I now entered my own twilight zone.

I imagined ending up in another dimension or a Rob Zombie movie. The excitement of the stories I could tell. My terrifying ordeal, my heroic escape. A lifetime filled with nightmares. Then... the fog ended...

No other dimension... no Rob Zombie... no Rod Serling... just more badly paved road... The most terrifying thing on the other side of the fog, was the mechanics Jack Russell terriers. I am still truly convinced that they are hell hounds... just you wait.

Just... you... wait...

Be afraid.... Be VERY Afraid

I've come to the conclusion that Wiarton does indeed have Zombies... I've heard them every single night I've been here. As I lay in my room, the outside noises of crickets and a nearby hooting owl are sometimes drown out by the familiar moaning and grunting of the creatures of the night. At first I thought to myself, is it possible that it could be a drunkard staggering helplessly home. Not out of the ordinary for this small town but at this point unlikely. Those are definitely the sounds of the undead looking for some fresh flesh for their midnight snack.

I have however found something even more frightening here. More frightening than Zombies you question? How can anything possibly be more frightening than Zombies. Oh, never have any doubts when in Wiarton that such things do exist. It is terrifying, the kind of scared where when cornered by these vicious, vile creatures, you stand motionless. There is no where to run or hide. By day the seem harmless, but in the dim light of a local Legion they take on another mind numbing form. I speak of the dark, dangerous creatures also known as the Wiarton Male.

Zombies I know how to deal with. Aim for the head. You can outrun them and outsmart a Zombie, you can see it coming before they see or smell you. The Wiarton Male, although you can outsmart them, you almost never see them coming till they are up in your grill. They smell out-of-towners like dogs smell fear. They stalk you as a lion would it's prey and then pounce when you are most vulnerable. When the music starts and you are momentarily left alone by the parents you clutch onto for protection. The same parents that have lead to the Wiarton Male's den, fully knowing they are about to sacrifice their daughter to the pack. I would not escape the hours long torment of being cornered and tortured as my parents sat back acting as if they knew nothing of it. Leaving me to the terrible creatures.

Be afraid... be very afraid....

Not to worry, my parents paid dearly for their deceit. I let my dogs crap in their shoes.

Are you still in Toronto?

I am in Wiarton, at my parents, for 2 weeks. I needed to get out of the city for a while to just, get away from it. I needed to get away from the noise, pollution and people... not people I love... just people, in general. I needed some peace and quiet.

It has been awesome so far. I've been in the pool every day, get to hang with my nephews and my parents, I'm getting writing done, I get to see my nephews play baseball... The only thing I forgot when I go to baseball.. there are people there. My mom keeps politely pointing out to me, you went to school with her or him.... you should go say hi.. Blah, I don't want to go say hi. I'm not there to visit with anyone else... then when I do get corned I keep getting asked the mundane question...

Are you still in Toronto?

I bite my tongue because what I want to say is, 'Yesssss, I'm in Toronto, I never left. Though unlike yourself, I did get the hell out of this place. You still in Wiarton????' But I don't. I am the polite daughter it seems... I grin, nod and walk away.... far.. away or.. look at my mother with a look of HELP! She never rescues me.. she finds it amusing it seems.

Then the piece de resistance....

sigh...

So I hear you never got married or have any kids? What happened? Again... I have to bite my tongue... so many things I would love to say, but don't. People on most counts don't ask you your political views so why do they think they can ask you why you didn't get married or have kids. I have many, many reasons for both, none of them are anyones business but mine. Yes I do explain this to those I feel need explaining, but for the most part, keep it to myself. I normally answer them by saying... with a very confused look on my face... 'Why do you ask?' That usually puts a quick end to it...

So I will continue to grin and bite my tongue. I am here for my family and family only... pray I don't snap!

a wiarton here I come... a wiarton here I come.. hi ho.. the... may the gods help me!!!

Seriously... in a few days I will be on the road to Wiarton... to spend a few weeks with my parents.

Insert parent jokes here

all kidding aside, my parents are awesome.. will spoil me, feed me and embarrass me a few times.

I get to sit in a pool when I like, watch satellite TV... a million channels and nothing on... hang out with my nephews, go out on my Dad's boat... drink my face off and not worry about how I'm getting home... not like when I was 16 and would get grounded..

read, write, get caught up on reviews...

be dragged to the Legion

yes... I said Legion.... it is Wiarton after all..

I have given my friends an open invite to come stay there with me...

seriously you guys

beer, pool, BBQ, boat rides... Village Fair

Did I mention on the long weekend there is a Village Fair... and a ferris wheel...

Ok.. it's not quite the Behemoth, but...

Don't you miss me yet :)

Did I mention my parents have a pool....

Good bye Soy Ice cream... oh how I loved thee...

So here it is... I need to lose 20 lbs....

Twenty.. two zero... the big 20. I want to lose them by August 31st. Sounds unreasonable to most but it's not. You see. I can lose it very quickly if I stick to something. Something called Raw food. Today I have eaten the last of my cooked food... including my way too over indulgent soy icecream.. tomorrow... 100 % raw. Oh that and exercising every day...

The exercising will be easy... I am at my parents for two weeks and my nephews... who are both bundles of energy will keep me going... on the run so to speak...

Once I reach my goal in a month in a half, I need to be disciplined enough to say at 90% raw. I've done it before. I LOVED it! I need to be more focused. This is for my own good and my health. And I feel better all around... so...

RAW! RAW! RAW!

For reals this time!

I have a hypothetical question...

I'm wondering. What if a hypothetical question was imperative to your destiny... hypothetically speaking...

waiting...

for so many things....

... and they all terrify me!

Evil and fav new websites

I just came across these websites. Where were they all this time!!!!!!!!!

Neurotically Yours. I LOVE this! I am trying to go outside today but can't stop watching them and I bought a tee shirt! To see the older ones go into the toons section. If you are a Starbucks player hater, click on small, medium, large. http://www.illwillpress.com/

Contemplating Reiko http://taintedink.com/

I'm officially not normal...

I keep asking myself, is there something wrong with me? Right now, The Princess Bride is on. Every female I know LOVES, this movie. I can't stand it. First I don't find it funny. I should, it's meant to be. It's directed by Rob Reiner, who I like. I mean who doesn't love Meat Head. I love the actors in the movie. Second, I find it completely ridiculous. I mean, technically I should love this movie, but logically I HATE IT!

Yes I'm a horror, suspense, action movie fan. But I'm also a girl. I LOVED Sex and the City, that is all girly. I love every Audrey Hepburn movie or Marilyn Monroe movie ever made. I own Barefoot in the Park. So why don't I like The Princess Bride. That movie to me is like Jello and Tom Cruise. When ever I think of either I shudder, shake my head and go bbbwwwwaaa. I have a friend who can recite the book and the movie word for word. Like my friend Simon who can recite every Simpson's episode in character. Of course both Simon and the Simpson are funny to me. TPB is just tragic and not in a good way.

So is there something wrong with me? Or am I the normal one and something is wrong with all of you?

Spoken like a true crazy person!

my dogs stink too

nataliedee.com

raw raw raw

Ok... so... I keep saying I am going back on a raw diet. i start but go back to cooked food. I love cooked food, but realize I can only eat it in moderation. Or if I do there has to be a very large salad to accompany it. So starting today... back on mostly raw. I have some cooked food I need to finish, as I refuse to waste food. But once it's gone, it's gone.

Why do you ask am I going back to it. Many reasons. I feel better, I lose weight very quickly and all my allergies go away. I've been fighting the lingering affects of Bronchitis, I feel bloated and saw myself in the mirror last night. I don't like what I see. I need to lose 20lbs. I know working out if part of it. But the raw diet is the biggest part!!! I am going to try to stick to more fresh raw. Fruits, raw nuts, greens, veggies. I find the less prep I have to do the more likely I will stick to it! The one thing I do need to make is the nut loaf. I eat that on salad all the time and to start sprouts again. I will be doing all that Sunday. It is the summer and the perfect time to get back on this.

No more excuses!!!

Raw! Raw! Raw!!!

once... when they wrote about love..

once upon a time... men and women use to write love letters. hand written, carefully thought out, beautiful. no one man or woman has ever written me a love letter. i realized this the other night and it made me sad. i don't even recall even having someone write me a love note or even a love email... let alone a handwritten letter. thinking about it, I googled some famous love letters. my favourites are below:

--

My dearest,
When two souls, which have sought each other for,
however long in the throng, have finally found each other ...a union, fiery and pure as they themselves are... begins on earth and continues forever in heaven.

This union is love, true love, ... a religion, which deifies the loved one, whose life comes from devotion and passion, and for which the greatest sacrifices are the sweetest delights.

This is the love which you inspire in me... Your soul is made to love with the purity and passion of angels; but perhaps it can only love another angel, in which case I must tremble with apprehension.

Yours forever,
Victor Hugo (1821)

--

My beloved angel,

I am nearly mad about you, as much as one can be mad: I cannot bring together two ideas that you do not interpose yourself between them.

I can no longer think of anything but you. In spite of myself, my imagination carries me to you. I grasp you, I kiss you, I caress you, a thousand of the most amorous caresses take possession of me.

As for my heart, there you will always be - very much so. I have a delicious sense of you there. But my God, what is to become of me, if you have deprived me of my reason? This is a monomania which, this morning, terrifies me.

I rise up every moment saying to myself, "Come, I am going there!" Then I sit down again, moved by the sense of my obligations. There is a frightful conflict. This is not life. I have never before been like that. You have devoured everything.

I feel foolish and happy as soon as I think of you. I whirl round in a delicious dream in which in one instant I live a thousand years. What a horrible situation!

Overcome with love, feeling love in every pore, living only for love, and seeing oneself consumed by griefs, and caught in a thousand spiders' threads.

O, my darling Eva, you did not know it. I picked up your card. It is there before me, and I talk to you as if you were there. I see you, as I did yesterday, beautiful, astonishingly beautiful.

Yesterday, during the whole evening, I said to myself "she is mine!" Ah! The angels are not as happy in Paradise as I was yesterday!

Honore de Balzac, French writer, to Evelina Hanska, a Polish countess, June 1836.

--

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -

I can live only wholly with you or not at all -

Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits -

Yes, unhappily it must be so -

You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -

Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

And yet my life in V is now a wretched life -

Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -

At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?

My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once -

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -

Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.

Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

by Beethoven

My thoughts exactly...

nataliedee.com

dark and brilliant just how i like it

Sex and the city...

Today, Viki, Janis and I went to see Sex and the City. What a fabulous movie. It lived up to all my expectations. I can't say what happened as I don't want to ruin it for those who are going to see it, but all I can say is you won't be disappointed. The thing that happened when I watched it though, is I got all emotional, weepy, I wanted to cancel my date tonight and come home and cry. No drink the bottle of wine that is sitting on my counter and then cry.

SATC hit on so many things that was going on in these women's lives. The biggie. LOVE. I've been struggling with being single and in my 40's. Don't get me wrong. I'm loving it. But at the same point, am scared of it. I've finally discovered who I am, and loving me. I have finally come to understand what I want in life, what I don't want and what I won't stand for. I am open, liberal, fun, sexy, creative and fearless. I say fearless because I jump blindly into things (please don't confuse blindly with foolishly). I refuse to live my life with regrets. But what affected me with this movie is, I fully understand what each of these women are going through. I understand their heart ache, confusion, frustration, dreams, desires and most of all, faith in love. A faith I though I lost, but yesterday realized is such a strong part of me, I will never lose it. So why is being single scaring me so much? At the end of the day. I am afraid of growing old alone.

I know I have the best friends I will ever have in my life, I have my dogs and my family. That in itself should be enough, but is it? I want to have someone in my life who I fall asleep with at night and am snuggled up to in the morning when I wake up. I want someone in my life who gets me, doesn't want to change me and understand and supports my dreams. I want someone who will cherish me as much as I cherish them. But why, why is it so hard to find this in my life. Why is it that I am afraid that this person doesn't exist and even if they do, I will never find them. But you know what, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters... is that I like me! I have the best girlfriends on the face of the earth. That, is what SITC is really about. Your girlfriends. Men will come and go, but your girlfriends are forever!

I, have the best girlfriends on the face of the earth. I actually consider them sisters.
viki
janis
sarrah
anna
michelle
rebecca
Each different, each unique, each fabulous. We are the ones that count. We are the ones who will be there for each other at the end of the day. We can love, fuck, like, lust, hate all the men we want. But without each other, it means nothing.

You are all my strength and without you all, I am not sure how I would still be here.

oxoxxoxooxoxo

men.. boys... are men eternal boys?

men... are odd creatures... I don't think I need to say more...

Is it..

actually possible... could it be.. is there finally a chance in hell....

could I be any more vague...

um actually I could.

and I just have a pang... I REALLY MISS SARRAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 13th Sign

This movie is so terrible.. that is actually worth watching. I am a fan of bad horror. And this just made my top 10 list! Wowsers. Stinker, but it is one of those movies that you have to watch right to the end!

I am also a fan of British and Australian/New Zealand Horror. It is normally pretty gritty and realistic. They don't spend tonnes of money on special effects, rather on the script and hiring the best everything. Here are a few of my favourites:

Shawn of the Dead (British and my all time fav)
28 Days Later (British)
The Descent (British)
Dog Soldiers (British)
The Ugly (New Zealand)
Village of the Damned 1960 (British)
The Haunting (1963) (British)

Check out these links to find out more about British/Australian and New Zealand Horror

http://www.britishhorrorfilms.co.uk/index2.shtml
http://horror.about.com/od/foreignhorrormovies/a/australia.htm

I done in so many ways....

I'm done fasting... now on to mostly raw vegan diet. I'm sorry raw food I can't give up my coffee... I just can't...
I'm done pining and whining... I did nothing wrong, his loss
I'm almost done working on my apartment... ok that's bit of a lie, I still have some painting to do, minimal, touch up and baseboards, doors, then I'm done with that. Balcony needs a few more things, but other than art, this place is rock and or rolling. It's only taken since September to finish it all, funny what happens when your time is pre-occupied. Going into hiding has it's advantages, that and my OCD ;)
I'm done hiding... look out, outside world...
I'm almost done killing some zombies, who killed some ex's... for this time around anyway
Now that I am done.. I am re-starting my engines... again... look out world!!!

Hello OCD

How many times is it possible to re-organize my cupboards? I know I have mild OCD and need to distract myself, but this may actually be getting ridiculous....

Day one of the purge

Today is day one of my fast and purge. I have come to terms with the fact that I need to remove all negative aspects of my life. That includes people.

~I have realized you can't force someone to love you. So I won't.
~People are going to disappoint you. No matter what expectations you put on them.
~I already removed one particular negative person from my life today. I have a few more to go. All these people do is suck the life out of me.
~Something must be really wrong with a person who can walk away from a Goddess. That person needs to fix their wiring. I deserve the world and if you can't give it to me. I don't want you.

the rule of thumb???

The rule of thumb (WTF does that mean anyway) is that each day you wake up and it's a bit easier, you feel a bit better. In fact each day I am feeling a bit worse. Being sad sucks.

The other day, someone said it's just my frame of mind. Dismissing it, as if, I was being melodramatic or acting like a spoiled kid. I got mad and then was called stubborn. Stubborn?


Then I realized, yes, I am stubborn. I come by it honestly. I am my Father's daughter. My Dad, is someone I love and respect more than anyone on this earth. His family is the most important thing on the face of the earth to him and he would do anything for them. As a matter of a fact he has. This man has sacrificed so many things for us, I don't even know where to begin. I am, just like him. I put everyone first, me second. That is why I am having such a hard time dealing right now. It is also why I am being so stubborn.

I refuse to give up, or admit defeat. I always have to try every option possible. Exhaust all possibilities... all of them. I keep thinking there is hope, I get my hopes dashed, but yet, I refuse to give up. The problem is, this isn't making feeling better.

My Father has also told me, that I am a strong and beautiful woman who deserves the universe at her feet. I also brushed it off before, well... because he is my father. I use to think, he's my father, he has to tell me that. You know what, he says it because he means it. I do deserve the universe at my feet and damn it.. I'm going to get it!

FYI... this is the rule of thumb according to wikipedia (how can I live without you) and... I think my head may have exploded!!!!

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

I needed to hear this today. It sums up quite a lot.

Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.
By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.
You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise--
How can we gainsay it?
The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.

-Bhaddekaratta Sutra

If I could make time go backwards right now this is what I would do...

If we buy some of this stuff do you think they will finally stop showing the commercials!!

Ok, I need to rant, vent, bytch a little... There are several commercials that are REALLY starting to wear thin on my nerves.... so, here I go.

Debbie Myers Green Bags... um... who leaves veggies in their fridge for that long to need a bag to let them keep the veggies in the fridge 10 times longer. The whole point of fresh fruits and veggies is to eat them when they are um... fresh...... My suggestion, either only buy what you need and are going to actually eat.. OR.. OR.. buy frozen stuff.... geesh... carrots in the fridge for 26 days... who does that.

You know how Mary Hart's voice was giving people Epileptic Seizures.... Billy Mays does that for me!!! Every time I hear his nasally voice I cringe.. I honestly can't change the channel fast enough. My fav is the Hercules hooks, the families that are using it look sooooo happy. It holds 150lbs apparently. I am so tempted to buy it put in the wall and see how many of my friends it will hold up... You feel like you need to torture me. Strap me to a chair, and make me watch all of his commercials for hours on end... ya... Compared to him, Richard Simmons is a delight.

There is so much more crap I can talk about, it is all on this website http://www.asseenontv.com/. And I am so delighted, they still have the Bedazzler. Sarrah... SARRAH, you are so getting that for me, for my birthday... we could have HOURs of fun bedazzling everything :)

I wonder if they have that vacuum gadget you use to cut hair... remember that from the 80's... was it called to the Flobo or something like that... off to look for it! Oh god... I was actually kidding... But... they still make it... http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/Flowbee.html.

Look away Carolina... look ... a... way....

way to make me cry viki...

It is time for a cleanse.

I need to do something to purge myself of all of these awful feelings. To purge my body of all the toxins I have accumulated. Starting next Tuesday I am doing another Master Cleanse. It's time. Since all of this has been happening my stomach is off, I as a whole am off. When I do the cleanse it is both a physical and spiritual purge. I plan on doing Yoga every day along with the cleanse.

I need to cleanse myself from the inside out. It might not wash away my sadness but it is a start. I need to heal. It will be a slow process, but it needs to be done. I also want to start reading books on Buddhism and start to learn how to meditate. Both my heart and spirit are broken and I need to fix them.

The norm is to do the cleanse for 10 days. I am going to go for as long as I need to. When I am done I need to try harder to be raw. I haven't tried hard enough.

In the end I need to find my happy place again.

I'm broken and out of order till further notice...

nataliedee.com

I am having huge issues with this..

Earth Day... Earth Hour...

I am having HUGE issues with this. Why do we only do this for one day or one hour. Why do we have to remind people to take care o our Earth. This is ridiculous and makes me so angry. We shouldn't need one day to show appreciation to this planet. IT SHOULD BE EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! EVERY DAY. Do you realize that very soon you won't even have a livable surface. Think about recent events. England was having severe bitterly cold weather... that's not normal. Our west coast is having our weather. Places in the last 5 years that use to have 'normal' temperatures are having severe fluctuations in same, not to mention the flooding and the drought.

Try recycling, try not driving, try taking transit or walking for a change. Us locally grown produce, don't use plastic bags at grocery stores, cook your meals from scratch and compost. These are only a few things you can do every day that will make a HUGE difference. Why wait for only one day. Why wait for April 22nd to show you care!

Take care of Mother Earth everyday!!!!!!! Love her, show her you appreciate her.

more freakiness...

so, I mentioned a few posts ago about the computer coming on by itself... this is what just happened... i saw a flash of light come from my bathroom. The light is off there... my boy dog was laying in the area, got up, turned around, looked at where the flash came from, walked over to me with his tail down and is now curled up beside me....

Stuff like this doesn't bother me, it's been happening to me all my life... but it only started when Sarrah arrived. She is going through a lot of emotional pain right now, so it could be the negativity sparking something... but.. then again... it could have been here the entire time and I am just noticing it now..... I can be a little dense sometimes....

moments of freakiness and it begins...

Last night, Sarrah and I were watching The Shining. Twice during really intense moments of the movie, my computer came on. Yes, it came on... by itself. It was in sleep mode and the only way it could come out of sleep mode is if you click the mouse or touch a key on the keyboard. I even tested out this theory to show Sarrah. Neither of this could be done accidently by either of us because we were sitting on the other side of the room when it happened. Spooooooky!

And today is the first day of the 30 day raw challenge!!! I am going to do 100% raw for the entire month. The options are to do 80-100% as it would be hard for some to do 100%. I have done it before and was 80% for several months. Somewhere around October I fell off the wagon. Now I need to get back on for so many reasons. I can't even tell you have fabulous I felt when I was mostly raw. I slept better, lost weight, had more energy.... it goes on!

This is just one of the things I need to get back on track with. My writing, my health and my weight! But the biggest thing is me. I keep getting lost in other people and keep forgetting about me. Sarrah and Viki both gave me a slap yesterday and reminded me of this. We need to keep reminding each other that we need to be selfish and stop feeling guilty for taking care of ourselves. I was reminded that I need to be more patient and less analytical. I try to dissect everything, even when it doesn't need to be. But my biggest thing right now, and no Sarrah it's not my OCD, is that I do need to be patient. I tend to go through life a few steps and sometimes miles ahead of the others, turning around and like a drill sergeant yelling at people to keep up. Everyone has their own pace.. and it's not the same as mine!

There is a bunch of us that are going through a lot of emotional crap right now, but we are here for each other. We need to help each other get through it. If you can't count on your best friends who can you count on. And it is funny how things go full circle. Several months ago, Anna was there for me when I separated from my Ex. She opened her doors and arms to me and let me stay with her till I got my shit together. The same is happening with my best friend Sarrah. She is with me now, trying to figure out her life. I told her I will do what ever she needs to help her.

Life continues to kick us in the ass, all we can do is give it a dirty look, rub our asses and continue on full speed ahead. The pain of it all sucks, but we aren't robots. We are however, strong, independent goddesses. We should never expect less, than to be treated like goddesses and we have to remind each other every single day of this.

I love all my girls and refuse to let any of them suffer unnecessarily! Sometimes our lives are like a really bad Sex in the City episode, but, like those episodes we always get a good laugh in the end.

kick in the arse....

I love it when my horoscope gives me a swift kick in the arse!!!!!

Quickie:
Do you want a relationship to go deeper? Don't push this person. Give them time.

Overview:
Without really trying, you manage to impress exactly the right person in exactly the right way. Things should start to look brighter and brighter as this relationship deepens, so expect the best!

Me with little patience!!! I need to realize, I'm sometimes way ahead of the rest of the pack.. I need to slow down and wait for them to catch up!

Also starting tomorrow Sarrah and I are starting the 30 Day Raw Challenge. We are starting a day early but, I'm ready...I need to get back to where I was 6 months ago! I felt soooo much better when I was 80 % raw. Though it will be a lot of work.. I am determined to be 100% raw for all of April, and 80/90% afterwards! I lost weight quickly when I did it last time, felt healthier, has sooo much more energy and looked vibrant! I can't wait to get back to that happy space!

I am the fool card

In the tarot deck there is a fool card. The card represents optimism, blind faith, taking the leap without looking at where you are falling.... that card is me. I do that all the time. Take leaps on blind faith. Have done this all my life. I've done it again recently. Normally when something doesn't work, I confront it and I don't get the results I want I walk away. Recently I did that, when I did, it really fucking hurt! When I walk away, I never, NEVER return. Except in this case. For some reason, I did return. I gave a second chance.

I shouldn't even being doing this or complaining about it. I chose to allow the second chance. The last few weeks since doing so have been awesome. I walked away because I deserve 100% and wasn't getting it. Now, now... I am having that feeling again, even after making these facts very, very clear. The facts were laid out, I thought they were understood. In my head I thought things were going a certain way but in fact, they aren't. My idea of 100% is apparently not the same as everyone elses.

Right now I really don't know what to do. What I want to do is cry and bang my head on a wall. Not only am I the fool card. Right now, I feel like a fucking idiot. I also am trying hard to be patient, see where things go, I gave a second chance and need to see it through.

chirp... chirp... I already miss cuba...

I got back from Cuba this morning. I was prepared that I would be going from 30 degrees and perfection to... well... hello canada... cold... still some snow... that post vacation sadness. I was sad on a few counts, first.. I hate winter with such a passion I can't even explain it and returning to the cold... bleech. Second, the vacation went by way too fast, we were there for 7 days, 10 would have been better, but the main reason I'm sad is I had the best vacation I've ever had in my life with an absolutely amazing man and the vacation is done.

It was honestly the best vacation I've had. We drank way too much, laughed all the time, ate amazing food and explored. The resort we stayed at was absolutely beautiful and we definitely got 5 star treatment. I would go back to cuba in a heart beat. I would however stay at a different part of cuba, I want to experience all of that island. It is an absolutely beautiful country!

I was warned about a few things to expect. An eye opening experience at customs, people begging for money on the beaches etc. Two of my friends went last may and constantly saw soldiers on the beach. I experienced none of this. Customs in Cuba was so much quicker and more efficient than the airport here in Toronto. No soldiers and one guy was on the beach trying to sell cigars. The only time we saw people with their hands out was when we went on our day tour of Holgein. Their was a reality check when you see how basic the people of Cuba live. No AC, cell phones and their cars were mostly from the 1950's. Their main source of transportation, was walking, bike, horse or horse and buggy. Inside the city we saw city buses, but everywhere else it was as I just mentioned. We are spoiled!!!

A friend and my aunt both told me about the towel displays we should expect on our beds. Each day was a different one! The first was two swans head to head in the shape of a heart. The last one was a happy face! When I first saw the swans I giggled. My boyfriend asked me why I was laughing so I told him my friends story. She went to Cuba several years ago with her Dad. They had one room with two beds. The maid would come in each day and push the beds together and make the display. The maid must have thought they were married. Too funny! It was definitely a nice touch

I returned to find out my dogs were spoiled brats. Sarrah and David looked after them and I appreciate it more than anything. I am sure they were acting out because they thought I was abandoning them. The greeting I got when I walked into Sarrah's apartment was outstanding. The dogs were all over me!

I was hoping to come home to no snow, warm weather and tulips. No such luck, but... when I walked the dogs a few hours ago, I saw 2 Robins. Spring may actually be around the corner. Which is a good thing... I don't want my tan to fade!

is that cuba I can see on the horizon?

I am a day and a half away from sipping rum drinks with the yummiest person I know. I use the word yummy because he is just that, in more ways than one!

I've finished packing tonight because tomorrow is going to be busy and I don't want to forget anything. As I usually do I second guessed everything that was in the case, packed unpacked, counted, packed again... double checked.. then closed and locked the case. Am sure tomorrow I will.. check again... geez! I haven't been on a real vacation in years!!!!!!!!!!! My passport is empty and the first stamp to grace it's pages will be CUBA!

I was warned by my aunt carol, viki, janis and katie that the customs part will be an eye opener. I just want to be done all that already and enjoying the sun and having fun with the DR!

Si Cuba!

si Cuba!!!

I'm done with fucking winter. Done! After last Saturdays snow storm! OYE! So.... I'm going to CUBA! Si Cuba! I'm very excited to be going for so many reasons! The first one is I am going to be spending seven days straight, with and amazing person!!! Second is I can't wait to see Cuba. Third is I haven't been on a real vacation... meaning getting on an airplane and leaving Canada since 2001! Have I mentioned I'm excited.

I'm also a bit nervous. Not because of the vacation, but because of my dogs. I'm so paranoid when it comes to them. They are my babies. I am leaving them Sarrah and David. Tonight the dogs did a meet and greet. It was the first time they've all met. They did the initial sizing up... and after 30 minutes... didn't even notice they were in the same room with each other.... I worried for nothing!!!!!

I'm hoping that when we come back, the snow will be gone, it will be warm and the tulips will be up.

today... tomorrow and so on...

I'm smiling on the outside as well... no explanation needed. :)

I need to voice out about this!

I am an advocate that hollywood sucks! All they do these days is reality (what a joke) TV and remake movies that DO NOT need to be remade. I am a lover of horror. British and Asian/Japanese horror is my absolutely FAV. I am sick to my stomach every time I see Jessica Alba on the poster for Eye... it is still plastered all over the subway! These are movies that shouldn't be remade. The originals are horrific, terrifying and brilliant! No one, especially Hollywood has no right remake them.

The only reason Hollywood is remaking all these movies is they no longer have anyone talented enough to create brilliant screen plays. Why not hire new, fresh, vibrant talent. Like me. I have so many idea's coming out of my ass, I can't keep up or write them out fast enough!

Stop remaking movies. And stop with the multiple sequels. Don't get me wrong I LOVE Bruce Willis.... he didn't need to do another Die Hard... and Sylvester, stop making movies. We don't need another Rockie or Rambo... I just threw up a little bit just now. What's next... Ahhhhnold doing Conan the Sequel.

These Asian/Japanese horrors are brilliant! Watch the originals... NOT THE SEQUELS!!!!
Shutter
Eye... Fuck you Jessica Alba....
Ringu
The Grudge
Dark Water

I swear to God if they re-do the Audition and Old Boy! I am going to lose it!!!!!!