Patience and lack there of....

I need to learn how to be more patient!!! It is 4:57pm and I am sitting here STILL waiting for UPS to deliver my package. A package I apparently need to sign for... I'm starting to stew, you see I had my day all planned out. I was going to get up, do admin stuff, shower, run to the grocery store, do laundry, cook and write. The only thing I've been able to do all day, is write. Because I know the second, I hop in the shower, go put the laundry in or anything that doesn't allow me to run to the door... they will appear. I always tend to be the last person on their route, no matter where I live. And it is causing me great frustration (all though it has given me an awesome idea for a short story).

UPS aren't the only ones causing my patience to run thin. I have come to realize today that it isn't just delivery guys. I am impatient in soooo many other ways. Losing weight for instance. I know you can't rush it, that in order for you to lose weight and keep it off you need to do it slowly and properly. I get that. I have been working out every single day with my wii fit since the beginning of August and was starting to get frustrated on monday. In my mind at the rate I work out I should have lost 20 lbs by now... not 8. I should have better definition and look buff... Um.. I had to remove myself from fantasy land!!! 8lbs in month and half is pretty damn good! So I've convinced myself to not give up again. To keep working out. I love to eat, so unless I want to end up at 300lbs, I need to keep pushing on.

I have zero patience when it comes to dating, relationships etc. I'm a brat, I need lots of attention all the time and when I don't get it as often as I like, I write people off. I figure they can't make the effort, then why should I. Of course this all comes from one bad experience, where I was extremely patient with one person and in the end I felt like I wasted so much time! From that point on, I lose patience pretty much right away. This also goes for people in general. I've tried to change this but can't. I feel by doing that I'm lowering my standards of how I expect to be treated. I refuse to do that anymore. But the pay off can't be pushing people away due to my lack of patience.

Then there is my career. I understand my chosen field of writing is never a overnight success type. There is a lot of long hard work that needs to be done before I can ever reach success.

I need to be more realistic. I need to be more patient. I need to stop being a brat.

Embracing Spinsterhood

Recently I was told by three women who are near and dear to my heart, (mother, and 2 best friends) that I am quite a catch. Really? Really. I find this statement quite interesting because I have yet to be caught. The longer I go not being caught, whilst watching many of my female friends starting relationships, getting engaged/married, having babies and so forth, I wonder... have I not been caught because I'm too hard to catch or because I'm not suppose to be caught? I kept struggling with that point and it was frustrating me. Today I saw the word spinster and thought shit, that is what I am turning into, a spinster. After a few moments of pondering this, I realized, that isn't a bad thing. I'm 42, childless, independent, driven, intelligent, intellectual, creative and damn it can make a mean tart. I'm pretty damn awesome and it's too bad that someone, other than the women in my life, hasn't figured it out. Rather than mope on the fact, I've decided to take my awesomeness to the next individual, independent level and embrace the fact that I am a spinster. Sing it out loud sister!

Normally the word spinster would be taboo because the spinsters of yore aren't the same as the ones today, yet people still continue to understand the term as it was originally meant. This is the traditional meaning of the word spinster. "A spinster (or old maid) is a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry, therefore has no children. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is generally considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term "bachelor" for males. While men can continue to have children into their 70s or 80s, women generally become less and less able to bear children as they get older. So the term "old maid" is only applied to women who are past a child bearing age but have never married." In some ways a spinster today isn't the same and in other ways it is, and even with today's standards I am now considered a spinster. Yes it is 2008, I am still considered at 42 unmarriable. Sounds a little harsh, yes, but it is actually quite true. Men my age rarely want to marry someone their own age. They require a younger model with the options of reproduction. (I guess they haven't heard that women can still bear children until their mid 50's). Ok, so be it, but they also don't realized those younger models will also be in their 40's one day.

I'm not going to lie, this still makes me a wee bit sad. But, rather than spending wasted energy on the fact that I am a spinster, I am actually going to embrace it. Every family has one spinster aunt. That gets to be me. I've always been an individual, the odd ball out in my family, so it is fitting.

Welcome to the spinsterhood, I am going the wear the title with pride!!!

by the gods, I made it out alive

Right now I am enjoying a big bowl of fruit... oh how wonderful and yummy these purple and red berries taste. Going without food for 10 days has made me appreciate them. As I said in an earlier blog, I won't be doing the master cleanse again, I'm not saying it's a bad way to detox, I now have a clean slate to work with in my quest to eat as healthy as possible, I'm just not doing it again. The reason I'm not doing this one again, (as the food crazies from day 7 on almost made me mad) during it I started to think it was time to find a different way to detox. So I will.

Today was the first day I was able to beat up my wii boxing guy and that made me happy. It almost felt like I was doing it for the very first time again! Since starting the wii fit and in combination with the fast, I have lost a little over 15 lbs. I have about another 15 to go to be at my target weight.

I can smell the soup cooking in the crock pot... mmmmmmm I can't wait for dinner time when I finally get to put something warm in my tummy that isn't herbal tea. I AM SO F*CKIN G SICK OF HERBAL TEA AND LEMONADE, you have no clue. I actually didn't finish the jug I had from yesterday. Me thinks, it might be going down the sink, at this point I can't even stand the sight of it!!!

Right now, I'm going back to my bowl of fruity goodness... oh food, how do I love thee!

time to tighten the belt....

Last day of the fast. I made it!!! I am however beyond sick of lemonade and herbal tea. I found this fast was hard. I was good till day 7 then the food crazies set it and I've been fighting them since. I was going stir crazy to be exact. I have decided that I won't be doing this one again. I've done it several times and this time was insane. There are tonnes of other ways to detox and I will in future explore other methods.

I can feel my body screaming for food! Literally! I need to start listening when my body tells me things. This isn't my mind playing tricks. I am starving! I've done my 10 days.

My belt is literally being tightened in other ways as well. I need to find cheaper ways of surviving. I've cut back on services such as cable and internet and am starting a search for a cheaper 1 bedroom apartment. I wanted to move anyway. A combination of outrageous rent, and annoying neighbours is pushing me out. That and I am too far north of downtown for my liking. So the apartment hunt in the Queen W and Roncesvalles area begins again. I should have moved there to begin with a year and a half ago, I took this place out of convenience and shouldn't have.

I need to see if I can pull that belt in one more notch!

are we there yet?

Today, tomorrow and I'm done!!! I am so tired of lemonade and herbal tea it isn't even funny! But, I need to push on...

On your first day off you are suppose to only drink fresh orange juice. Not going to happen. I did that first fast and I was starving all day. The orange juice is suppose to prepare your stomach for food. Since the first one (and have done many fasts since) I have started my day off with fresh apple/pear/ginger juice, then a huge bowl of fresh fruit, a snack of crackers and then a big bowl of soup for dinner. Day two is suppose to be what I just mentioned. I already decided the soup I am having. Squash soup! Thursday morning I am going to fill my crock pot with all the ingredients and by dinner time.. SOUP!

Loving to torment myself, I went to the grocery store and bought food! My fridge is once again full of fresh fruit and veggies, just waiting for me to make it!!! I am tempting fate here. All that food had me salivating, but.. I have to do it! I have to not eat any of it. Thursday is only 45.5 hours away.... the countdown to Food Day has begun!

brains.. brains... mmmmmmmmmmm

It's day 8 and I AM HAVING FOOD CRAZIES. I'm not hungry, not in the least, yet I have this uncontrollable urge to rip my cupboards open right now and devour anything edible. The crazies started last night while I was watching a zombie movie and smacking my lips to the sound of tearing flesh. I was actually salivating at the thought of it!

It is only 1.5 more days to go. I know I can make it, but am wishing 'is it Thursday morning yet and WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING' point, that I always get to around now. Usually I start obsessively looking at food on the internet or in cookbooks. I haven't done that yet... YET. At some point before Thursday I also have to go buy food. I have nothing in my fridge that is fresh. Walking through the market is going to be TORTURE. But.. I will do it, put on my blinders, come home, unpack it all and drink some more lemonade!

The insanity is starting to set in, but... I am almost there. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and there is a huge bowl of soup waiting for me.

Viki, Janis and I will be going out Sunday to celebrate, it will be a well deserved feast!

Day 6, it's all downhill from here

Whoo hoo day 6! Past the halfway mark. I feel ok, I notice I am sleeping longer than usual and losing my energy around 5 pm. Which is fine, I will just snuggle up on my couch with some old monster movies! I am attempting to get out today and go to the Queen West Art Crawl. A couple of friends are vendors and I want to go say hi. And I NEED to get out of my apartment. I spent another Friday night, on the couch watching TV and movies instead of having a life! I need to stop being such a hermit!

I also realized I stopped doing something and once the fast is done I am going to start again. Taking myself out on dates. I use to do this all the time. Go to a nice restaurant, order delicious food, read a book and eat. Or similar at a coffee shop. Wander around the city etc. Instead I have had my head stuck in this laptop too long. Also, if I take myself out on a date, I know how the evening is going to end!

Ok, fingers crossed that the rain holds off so I can get some air, that isn't on my balcony!

According to the media, I have a eating disorder called Orthorexia

Wow, I don't even know where to start! My friend received this email from Global to be interviewed re: Orthorexia. She declined and wrote back as to why. This email and the focus behind it infuriates me! Please read their email first then my response to this foolishness, below.

Hi,

My name is reporter X and I work at Global News here in Toronto. The Family Health reporter (reporter Y) and myself are working on a story about "orthorexia" and more simply, people that are health-food obsessed, like to eat raw foods and everything organic and pure. It seems to be a growing trend in North America.

We are looking for an individual to interview for our story (typically a health-conscious person living in and around the Toronto area). The reason I'm sending you a message is because you are a part of the "Raw Foodists In The GTA" group...and was hoping you would be interested in doing a short interview with us? The story is set to air on Friday Sept. 12, 2008 during the 6 p.m. news.

If you are interested or know anyone who would be able to do an on-camera interview about eating healthy, please let me know.

Thanks for your time.

-Reporter X

It's too bad they think what we have is a disease or disorder. And a trend? How can healthy eating be a trend, it's a life style!!! And I love their quote "and more simply, people that are health-food obsessed, like to eat raw foods and everything organic and pure" nice way to candy coat it to suck people in! I choose not to eat meat for ethical and health reasons, I choose to fast so I can cleanse my body of toxins that are now found in every ounce of food we eat, organic or not, I choose to eat organic to lessen those toxins and I choose to eat mostly raw vegan food because it provides my body with all the nutrients it needs to survive. We live in a society that is obsessed with supplements and adding pro-biotic this and biotic that to prepackaged processed foods to make them healthier. I eat and take the time to prepare my own meals, with fresh ingredients, so I can fight disease, stay healthy and live longer. But.. someone decided that it is an obsession and therefore a disease. If you take one look at me you see a very healthy girl. None of my friends are starving or unhealthy either and we all subscribe to the same eithics!

Eating healthy is not a trend, disorder or a disease! It is a lifestyle. It is sad that up until around the 1950's, we ate the way I eat now, processed food became popular and convenience became more important than substance. I will continue to eat organic raw vegan food, watch how much sugar or wheat enters my body and research ways to be healthier. Do I have a disease, no I have a conscience.

Websites explaining what Orthorexia is:

http://www.orthorexia.com/
and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orthorexia_nervosa

Half way mark...

Today is day five, the half way mark. Not officially half way till I actually make through the day, but so close! I have a bunch of running around to do today so am hoping, I will keep hunger at bay. I am feeling a lot better today, my energy is coming back, but I still can't over do it!

Last night I dreamt I was stealing bits of food here and there. Sneaking bites of strawberries, biscuits etc, and the entire time worried that viki and janis were going to catch me doing it. I know I had a few other bizarre dreams but the food one was the only one I could recall.

On the weight lost end of things, I've lost .4 lbs.

Food, food everywhere food!

Why is it when I am fasting, I notice how much food is out there... commercials, magazines, tv shows... EVERYWHERE. I am almost through day 4 of my fast and suddenly this evening I am over come with HUNGER. It comes in waves, I talk myself down then.... blammo... food in my face. It doesn't matter how bad the food is, people are mostly eating animals. It actually turns me off, but it is the motions and expression of the actors faces, eating, chewing... enjoying!

It is starting to push me over the edge... and I have 5 plus days to go. I even tried distracting myself by reading World War Z, but the mention of the zombies tearing into human flesh.. you get my point... rumble rumble rumble...

There may even be an echo down in my belly. And it's echoing back, FEED ME! FEED ME!

After Wednesday you will get fed... and fed well! Now stop thinking about food!

The hunger.. THE HUNGER!!!!!

So um.. in the last hour.. I've gotten HUNGRY!!! I've went almost 4 days without craving or thinking about food. Right now, I am having cravings for... mushroom gravy and mashed potatoes!!!!!!! Also every time I walk into the kitchen my popcorn maker is calling my name... use me.. use me. is whispers.. STOP!!!!! I can do this. I can get till end of day Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday will be my test. I foolishly didn't buy enough syrup and will need to walk into carrot to buy more.. and lemons, but in order to get to the syrup I have to pass several racks of baked goods.. I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!!

Now I'm going to drink a pot of tea in hopes it will fill my tummy with warmness and liquid... EEGAH!

Day 4... I'm confused...

It's day 4 of my cleanse/fast. I feel much better today, I think the constant flow of vitamin C going through my body kicked the flu to the curb. That and all the sleep... I'm a little confused though, today when I weighed myself via wii fit... I've gained .5 of a pound... um... how does one gain weight during a fast. On days one and two I only consumed 3 glasses of the lemonade each day, yesterday I drank 5. 2 extra glasses shouldn't add .5 lbs, not to mention I did 30 minutes of yoga and went for a 30 minute walk yesterday so... How is it even possible, that I gained weight. Surely an extra teaspoon of maple syrup to sweeten my tea didn't do it. I think in total I consumed 600 calories yesterday.

In the past, day 4 has been the day where i start losing fat, the first 2 days are water. Like I said, I'm confused, but, like my love life, I am not going to bother trying to figure it out... I will just be frustrated.

He who lives looking for pleasures only, his senses uncontrolled, immoderate in his food, idle, and weak, Mara (the Tempter) will certainly overthrow him, as the wind throws down a weak tree. He who lives without looking for pleasures, his senses well controlled, moderate in his food, faithful and strong, him Mara will certainly not overthrow, any more than the wind throws down a strong mountain.
Dhammapada V. 7-8

whole foods!

In addition to what I was saying in the blog previous to this. I am doing research on how to improve my diet. A few books I have an are reading or rereading are:

Get It Ripe by Jae Steele - great advice and very tasty recipes!
Greens for Life by Victoria Boutenko - this book will open your eyes about whole foods and green smoothies
Raw Food Detox Dietby Natalia Rose - also a great way to learn how to switch to a raw diet.

I also need to get to a local book store and grab more books. I need suggestions as well on what I should be reading/links etc.

Day 3 lemonade yum.. chamomile yuck

It's day 3, and I am down another 2.2lbs. Again this could be a lot of water, you don't really start losing fat till after day 3. I am getting incredibly bored with the Chamomile and Peppermint tea. I am going to attempt to get some air (after 2 days in bed) and head over to the health food store and see what other herbal teas they have to offer. However, once the fast is done, I need to be regimented and keep the weight I've lost from the fast off as well as lose the rest to get to my goal of 140lbs. I was immobile for almost 3 mths because of a sprained knee and gained twenty some pounds. I am not happy about it. I have a lot more hard work ahead but will get there. Taking my health and diet to the next level, drinking only occasionally (and keeping it to a minimum of 2 drinks), working out daily.

My diet is one thing that is an important thing to change. I come from a family background of diabetes and heart disease. Both sides of my family suffer from it. I am a Vegan so that right there has cut my chances of getting either disease greatly, I was raw Vegan for 6 months, then due to many life changes found it hard to maintain. After the fast I will be going back to a largely raw diet, but I am a foodie and I LOVE to cook and create new recipes, I know I cannot deprive myself from the occasional cooked meal, so I won't. Removing canned and processed foods from my diet are also going to make a big difference.

This fast has come at a time when I need it the most!

sleeping beauty...

It's Day 2 of the fast... yesterday I only had 3 glasses of lemonade.. today 2 so far... I normally drink 6 each day. It's not because I'm not hungry... I haven't had a chance to be.. so far I've slept through 2 days almost. As I said I'm not feeling well, and all I want to do is sleep... so I have been... I just had another 4 hour nap and am sure I will be in bed by 9 again tonight...

On a happy note, I just found the Hilarious House of Frankenstien playing on Drive Inn Classics

Day 2....

It's day 2 of my cleanse. It's a gorgeous day out, a day I should be enjoying. Walking around in the crisp air that signifies the beginning of fall. I should be wandering around Yorkville right now, seeing out stars, carrying a large tea in my hand. But, I'm not. I'm sitting on my couch, waiting for the kettle to boil, then I will spend the day here writing.

I'm not feeling well physically and emotionally. I feel drained and weak, have had a headache for 3 days. None of this is due to the fast, it started a few days before, my throat is hot and I am achy all over. Yesterday I slept all afternoon and last night was in bed by 9:30 not crawling out again till 10 am. I still feel like poo, for lack of a better word. As I said in an earlier post it's times like this when I would love to have someone take care of me.

On a happy note, I lost 3.3 lbs on my first day of the fast, all water I am sure though...

blah can someone make me a cup of tea...

Normally I would say I love living on my own, for the most part it's amazing but for the other parts, it sucks. It sucks even more at moments like this and right now it would be nice to have someone else around. When I'm not feeling well, I am admittedly a big baby. I want a big bowl of vegan hot and sour soup from Buddha's Vegetarian Restaurant, someone to make me tea, give me a massage and dote on me. When I am not feeling well I want someone to crawl under a quilt with, cuddle and watch movies.

I think my mother may have spoiled me that way. But... considering that I'm on my own, if I wasn't fasting, I would go get that big bowl of soup and I will shuffle into the kitchen to make my own tea. If I had the energy I'd run a bath but... instead, I am going to lay here on the couch and whine, watch a movie and be a big baby... at least the dogs are snuggle worthy...

Day 1 of a cleanse

Today is day 1 of my cleanse. I am once again doing the master cleanse. I am trying to do it twice a year. I really feel like I need it right now. I am working really hard to lose weight and get back in shape and am working hard to take my eating and health up to the next level. I am also feeling down right now about certain issues in my life and feel this will help me in many ways.

I started feeling ill yesterday. I feel like I'm getting a cold. Not happy about that, but am hoping the fast will kick it out of my system. I'm sure being out in the pouring rain, getting my feet wet and then wandering around the Vegetarian Food Fair with wet feet didn't helping matters. But after my weekend, I needed to get out of my apartment.

Last week I felt like I was finally coming out of my funk. Then the events of this weekend pushed me right back down to the bottom. There is no point talking about the circumstances around it. It will just frustrate me more. What this weekend did was open my eyes about a few people. People I thought I had figured out. People I thought wouldn't kick me when I was down. Not to mention that saying about glass houses...

So today I start my fast, while I'm fasting I will still work out, do yoga and am going to start meditating again. I am also going to take a good long look at my eating habits and all the things I can do to improve them even more. One of the changes I am definitely making and have already started is I am no longer going to use canned goods and try to remove processed food from my diet all together. I still have some canned chick peas and a few other things in my cupboard, once those are done, I will only buy dried or fresh beans, tomatoes etc. I would LOVE to live in a place where I could have a garden, but that is impossible, but for next year am going to put a container garden on my balcony (tomatoes, peppers, herbs and anything else I can grow). I will also try to prepare almost all of my meals from scratch. I am pretty much do now, but I do include processed sometimes. I need to avoid that as well, the one thing I am not sure how to get around is tofu, but if that is the only processed thing in my diet then that is pretty good!

The other thing I need to figure out during this fast is me. I know where I want to go in my career. Be a writer and I'm doing that. My personal life is a mess! I need to fix it. I need to get myself out of this funk. I realized the only person than can make me happy is me. A cleanse is a house cleaning of the body so to speak, now I need to do a complete house cleaning of my personal life.

is this really a smart idea.........

Um, not sure if this is brilliant or really DUMB or brilliantly stupid. I'm gonna go with the latter...

Home laser hair removal... shouldn't some things, involving lasers, be left to professionally trained people... what is next.. home laser eye surgery kits??? Mind you.. if they take pay pal.. Yikes!

http://epilalaserhairremover.com/

once upon a time where there were no meat recalls...

Once upon a time.. we use to prepare our meals from scratch, grow our own gardens and the entire family use to also sit around the table together on a sunday night for a huge meal with dessert...

Once upon a time.

We are an evolving society. Sometimes I wonder if we are doing so at too quick of a pace. Computers, video games, iPods, GPS, microwavable dinners, processed food ready to be eaten directly out of the package. In the last few months I have been once again reminded why, I like a 1950's house wife, prefer to take the time to prepare meals from scratch. I try as hard as I can to stay away from processed food. If you look in my fridge there is tonnes of fresh fruits and veggies, and my freezer is packed full of frozen meals that I originalIy prepared from fresh ingredients. I too am guilty of convenience, you will find some of that in my freezer, but only a small portion of it.

Food related issues in the news of late is making me proud of my culinary skills and the fact I don't eat meat... where do I start? First it was the tomato, mushrooms and lettuce recalls, then the Maple Leaf meats, now processed cheeses are being recalled due to Listeria. Listeria isn't just making people sick, they are dying. It is times like this that people need to start thinking about going back to tradional ways of eating/cooking (ie preparing your meals with fresh ingredients). There are so many benefits from it and is something truly satisfying from knowing you're eating something you prepared yourself, you will be healthier and it tastes so much better!

I hear over and over people complaining about convenience, no time to cook, blah blah blah... there are ways around that. When you do cook, triple the recipe and freeze single serving portions. Or my favourite tool, get a slow cooker. Throw everything in the night before, turn it on before you go to work and when you get home, a meal is waiting for you.

I already eat well and healthy, seeing these news stories made me realize I can push it up a notch. Growing up we always had a garden, this past summer my Aunt sent me back on a regular basis with tonnes of stuff from her garden. So, over the winter I am going to start seeds for my own container garden. I have tonnes of window space and the knowledge on how to. Being able to walk out to my balcony this summer and cut fresh herbs had me thinking why stop there. So I won't. My dream would be to live in a place where I could have a garden of my very own, but this will do for now.

I don't want to be the preachy Vegan, I really don't, but all of these food scares should be hopefully waking people up and making them realize that meat and convenience need to be reconsidered. I don't own a microwave haven't for quite some time and trust me, I can prepare a meal in under 20 minutes, that is only 15 minutes more than a microwave dinner. Is a frozen dinner or a package of sandwich meal, really that much more of a convenience. Also take into consideration other things such as MSG and sodium, all those foods are packed with them.

Let's get back to tradition, I want to... and I have the big ass table for the Sunday dinners :)

the power of positive thinking...

Yesterday three very wonderful things happened, all very unexpected, but wonderful. I had a rough start to the day.. in fact it's been a rough ride since the beginning of the year. Fall how ever, brings change for me. I find that when the leaves start to change, so does my attitude. For me the growing darkness brings light. Yesterday morning, I was at my darkest, by mid-morning was shaking my head trying to grasp something that had happened and by the end of the night realized, I need to make changes. If one could realize their mistake and own up to them, if one other could do the things after ten years I didn't think he could and if another, could always make me feel alive when I see him, then why couldn't I take those things as being positive and continue to carry that positive energy with me?

For the past couple months I've been in a deep, dark funk that I cannot seem to pull myself out of. As I said, yesterday I was at my lowest, then three things happened to make me realize that the things I keep thinking can never happen, are. If I think positive, keep in the light, then the things in that I want in my life will come to me. Staying in the light means continuing to think positive. I am taking the things that happened to me yesterday and using them to help me change my attitude. I know I am still going to have moments where I feel down, alone and sad, but I will make a bigger effort to find the positive. I know that a huge part of my problem is my impatience. "Good things come to those who wait." Is that the saying that I heard my grandmother repeat over and over when I was a kid? I know that if I take one step at a time, I will get there without falling down. I'm tired of falling down.. it hurts.

Yesterday was and eye opener and the kick in the ass that I needed.

apparently I'm not compatible with myself

I have this at the bottom of my blog. It's a fun little widget. I decided to see if I was compatible with myself... um... apparently I'm not.. I think I am going to have the talk with myself.. but.. who has to move out...

the day of the high and the low and awaiting the rift to open up...

I'm working on a short story about something that happened to me as a child. A nightmarish time spent at summer camp. I've decided to turn it into a tale of horror, because what happened during that visit to camp in reality was pretty damn close. I tend to write better when I am angry or sad as I am able to use those emotions to develop story lines that need to be dark... I am trying very, very hard to concentrate and get the rest of the outline written, but all I've been doing is shaking my head.

Two things happened today, both dealing with men but both completely different extremes. The first, which was the emotional dark attitude I needed to be pushed into this morning was, one mans attitude towards me. Making me feel used and disposable.. a convenience shall we say. It made me angry, very angry. I was using this anger in positive manner, if that makes any sense, then a few hours later something happened to change that.

The first man to ever break my heart, apologized to me. Now, it's been years! YEARS since it happened, but... he apologized. I was at a point where I thought I had lost all faith, that there wasn't even one decent man left out there. I had actually convinced myself of this, then one sentence changed that. Turns out, not all men are jerks. It is the first and likely the last man who will ever apologize to me (and the God's know there are many who should be but...). Well, at least and possibly 3 men out of how many billions, that may not be jerks... Ok, it's a start.

However, this is one of those things that.. well.. because of the extreme shift in emotions that happened... could possibly cause a tear or a rift in the universe. I'm sitting here waiting for that door to open, for me to realize I am actually in an alternate dimension... like the Twilight Zone....