A reminder of where I come from..

On my bookshelf is a yellow, plastic envelope. The contents inside is a mix of childhood pictures, old family photos and documentation about the history of my family heritage. I keep promising the yellow envelope, that I will sort it, place the documentation in a proper binder and the photo's in a beautiful album! In 2011 I will. But... that is neither here nor there.

In the process of looking for a photo for facebook, I found a document my Uncle Andy started several years ago, The History Of the Smart Family. Each time I read it I'm in awe of the love and determination my Uncle put into the document, but it is only really a beginning. Our family history is insane, tumultuous and beautiful and each time I read it, I'm reminded of where I come from. Warriors, explorers, but the most important one, proud Scots. If there was a bloody battle, there was a Smart involved, most notably, being part of the outlawed Clan MacGregor. A bunch of bad ass, hard drinking, rowdy troublemakers in Kilts. That about sums up my family still. Maybe a little less Kilt wearing, but you get the picture.

The other thing that bites me in the arse each time, is the paragraph about our coat of arms/crest/family motto.

"The most ancient "Coat of Arms" granted to the Smart name known is, Silver on a chevron between three arrow heads with a gold five leafed clover. The crest is an eagle with a burdock in it's beak. The family motto, "Virtus Pre Nummis" which means... "Virtue before Money"'. Virtue before money... ain't that the truth!

I think it is finally time to stop putting the envelope back on the shelf.

Solstice

{It's too bad Mel isn't in this picture, she was the photographer}

This is how Winter Solstice should be, about letting the light back in and a fresh start. Letting your fears, paranoia's, anger, and regrets burn away in the flames. This years Solstice was such an amazing night from beginning to end! There was fire and lots of it! The beer was constantly flowing. I was with people I care about and love and I met new friends. This is how we should start every new year!

How am I starting my new year? I am going to let go of my fears. I have a few things that I have always been afraid to do. It's time to get over those fears, nut up and do it! I'll let hundreds of spiders crawl all over me, but stand in front of a crowd of people and sing, I panic. I will stand on the roof of a 100 floor high building and look down, but to this day still can't stand on the glass floor of the CN tower. The list is way longer than this and I am challenging myself to get over each one.

And then along came December...

December is usually my least favourite months of the year, October my favourite. In the past, December is filled with frustration and the feeling that I am always pushing against the grain. When you don't celebrate the traditions of others, it ends up feeling like you are constantly teetering on the wobbling fence of awkward, wishing you could hide till December is over. Something about December this year changed. That solid wrapping of darkness fell away. A combination of the people now in my life, and my decision to do the one thing I love, no matter how crazy the struggle, gave me back a huge chunk of freedom. Like minded, loving and non-judgmental people will do that.

New year, new path, new hope :)

<3 <3 <3

Fire good! {Mandy if you are serious, lets do it}

The 2011 List!

I’m actually getting this list done before Jan 1!!! This is a list of all the things I want to attempt before December 31st, 2011. Some are from my 2010 list, that list had 100 to dos and I finished 49 of them. They didn’t get completed.... shhhhh. So... instead of a list of 100 am keeping it a bit more realistic at 50!

1. Learn to Salsa ~ have already taken some lessons
2. Tim Burton Exhibit at Lightbox
3. Finish all 3 manuscripts
4. Get a book picked up for publication
5. Go to Scotland
6. Re-learn Swing Dancing
7. Take Burlesque lessons
8. Sing Karaoke ~ am terrified to sing in front of people
9. Since I’m going to brave Karaoke.... learn to play an instrument
10. Day trip to Stratford
11. Shakespeare in the park
12. Be in a Zombie Movie
13. See the Nutcracker
14. Road trip to Niagara Falls and all the haunted attractions
15. Ride in a Hearse ~ while still alive
16. Tour the Bruce Caves with my Dad
17. Go camping
18. Visit the Science Centre
19. Go to NYC for a weekend
20. Stay in a haunted Bed and Breakfast
21. Have a 1950’s style dinner party - everyone has to come dressed up 1950’s, menu and Martini’s
22. Re-read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
23. Glow in the dark bowling
24. Do at least one thing I have never tried ~ skiing downhill, snowboarding, archery, stand on the glass floor of the CN tower.
25. Have a minimum of 3 articles published in major publications
26. Have a short story published in an anthology
27. Do a 30 day yoga challenge
28. Watch the sunrise, from a beach
29. Learn how to do a somersault.
30. Visit a province I’ve never been in
31. Go to a Carnival
32. Work at a haunt if even for one night, this halloween
33. Take her parents to the CN tower
34. Visit Casa Loma
35. See my cousin Lisa!
36. Fit back into my Skinny Jeans!
37. Carve my name in a tree
38. Spend and afternoon at Necropolis
39. Walk in the secret cemetery
40. Day on the island, including picnic and nude beach
41. Go to Trash Palace
42. Spend a week in Wiarton - this is tougher than it seems....
43. Have my tea leaves read
44. Ride the bike trails
45. Finish off my writing to do list
46. Write a poem and read it out loud in front of people
47. Hand-write one letter a month
48. Complete both the Script Frenzy in April and National Novel Writing Month in November
49. Spend Dec 25th having a second annual do nothing but watch Xmas themed horror movies day
50. Write this list for 2012 before Jan 1st

The Other White Meat

I'm doing research for a book proposal and came across this blog. The link below is to 'The Other White Meat' and is part of a series of Weight Watchers recipe cards from the 1970's. I recommend that you look through the entire series. I was in tears. TEARS from just the commentary alone.

Enjoy!

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards/caucasianshash.html

Nanowrimo

So... I keep saying I'm going to participate in Nanowrimo and finally, I have run out of excuses. So here I am 12 days in and actually, just now starting to write my novel. I hymned and hawed and this morning said 'what the fuck, DO IT!' So here I am, doing it.

I did the math, in order to get to 50,000 words written by midnight on November 30th... I have to write 3000 words a day... by the end of today I will have my first 3000 words... 47,000 more to go... Can I make it? We will find out on November 30th. Either way, it's the motivation I need to get this story out of my head!

This Girl Friday!

I've started a Girl Friday business. Business cards are being printed and flyers are being mailed out today. I've been thinking about doing this for a while and realized it was time!

If you know anyone looking for this type of service email me at carolina@carolinasmart.ca!

The Loss of a Great Man

Mr. Rix had a reputation. Long before anyone ever stepped foot into one of his English classes, you knew all about it in very specific, very colourful detail. Once you entered his classroom, you waited, eager, on tenterhooks for the moment, but too nervous to ask when it might happen. Then somewhere around mid-term, there it was.






Gasps
Dramatic pauses
Chest clenching
Flailing arms
Screeching
And then one... final... spin!

CAESAR
Et tu, Brute! Then fall, Caesar.

With a dramatic fall to the linoleum, the infamous performance of the Julius Caesar death scene had been completed. To this day I am sadly disappointed with the stage version of that death scene. Bob can never be topped.

In high school, no one likes or wants to understand Shakespeare, we are content with Lord of the Flies, The Chrysalids and Animal Farm. Mr. Rix, through his dramatics and humour had the students of Wiarton District High School smitten with Sir William and his tales.

But somehow, it was more than that. He actually gave a damn about his students. Bob Rix loved being a teacher, he was passionate about the English language and made his students passionate as well. If it wasn’t for him our school wouldn’t have had a theatre program and I wouldn’t have had the experience of playing Abby Brewster.

Even after he retired he would stop his former students on the street to chat, genuinely wanting to know how they were, always ready to dole out advice. Bob taught hundreds of students, but always remembered everyone’s names and had very specific and special memories for every one of us.

Every graduation speech had a special thank you to him. Every student talked about him, even 20 years after graduation. I can guarantee that each one of those students can give you at least three funny stories and many reasons why they will miss him. My love of theatre and literature and my dream to become a writer are all thanks to Bob. He stuck in our minds and our hearts. He made a difference in every student who was lucky enough to know him and will be greatly missed.

A safe journey into the night my friend. There will never be another like you.

http://yourlifemoments.ca/sitepages/obituary.asp?oId=424588

Theatre Reviews

I can't believe I haven't posted since the beginning of July. It's been a crazy busy summer!!!

I will start posting more soon, but in the meantime, here are my latest theatre reviews @ torontostage.com.

What the Butler Saw http://www.torontostage.com/reviews/whatTheButlerSaw.html

Doc http://www.torontostage.com/reviews/doc.html

Datesaster

My latest article at www.single-woman.tv

http://single-woman.tv/2010/07/datesaster/

Not only has Romy Shiller's book Who Knew? arrived, my review of 'You Never Know' is on the jacket. Love love!!!

Honesty and other stuff

I had an insane week. A lot of stuff happened that made me realize how my world was evolving or rather not evolving. I'm stuck, in a holding pattern and unhappy due to it. The events of this week made me take a step back from myself and re-evaluate the way things are. Below is what happened this week, some observations about both silly things and my own existence.

~Was offered a job in Vancouver and turned it down for all the right reasons. It was a finance position, for a LOT of money and I would have been working with some I really truly like and respect, but... it was in a city I hate and I promised myself never to work in finance again. I hated myself when I did and had no life.

~This is going to be a crazy fun summer!

~I no longer want to be alone and have finally admitted to myself that I want someone special in my life. I do want to wake up on Sunday mornings and make waffles
and drink coffee with them on the balcony.

~Peonies last a really long time!!!

~My balcony is my oasis. I could spend all my time out there. It's peaceful and I need peace in my life right now.

~I can no longer have passive people in my life. I'm not sure why I started letting them in, but they need to go!!!

~If you can't spend time with me or talk to me during World Cup. Don't bother trying to do either once the World Cup is done. I go out of my way to spend time with others and many can't be bothered to reciprocate, so tough titties for you!

~I love that I am getting older, with it comes wisdom and the knowledge that I will never have work done to make myself look younger. I've earned my wrinkles and love them. On July 31st I turn 44 and I don't care who knows!!!

~My dogs are aging and I can't visualize them not being around. The way they greet me when I wake up or come in the door can never be replaced by a human.

~I have 11 weeks to decide what to do with my life. Right now I want to bolt. But running away isn't going to change the reasons I am unhappy.

~I am frustrated that I am not writing enough or making more of an effort. Someone who has been in the publishing industry for over 30 years read some of my stuff and told me I'm not full of shit and I need to put a fire under my ass.

~I didn't go to my high school re-union because of the way I was treated. High school was miserable for me. The only thing I regret is not seeing Mr. Rix. He was the only person who kept me from quitting.

~I miss thunderstorms

~I truly am thankful for the friends I currently have in my life. They are all creeptacular and ghoulish and get me.

~The people who live below me must be away, there was no BBQing this weekend....

~If I choose to stay in Toronto, I need to find and buy my dream home. It might be the stability I need in my life.

~I have been bolting awake every morning at 5 am on the dot... and I don't know why...

~I will no longer be invisible. Lina has returned and those who know me well know EXACTLY what that means!

Lipstik Indie

The new issue is ALIVE! www.lipstikindie.com.

If you want to be reviewed message me.

Carolina

My girls

In about a month one of my dearest friends will be back in Toronto and all my girls will be back together. I know I did a list of 100 things I wanted to do in 2010, but I think doing a list of all the things I want to do with my girls is more important.

These aren't in any specific order. I just want to do them before the end of the year with them and all my other girls.

Spend a day on Centre Island - DONE
Ride the Ferris Wheel with Anna - DONE
Road trip to Salem
Go on a picnic in High Park (Cindy has a basket)
Hit as many haunts as we can in the month of October.
Eat in a Moroccan restaurant, complete with Belly Dancers.
Go Salsa dancing
Spend a spa day together
Cemetery Crawl
Go to a Baseball game and drink warm beer
Dress to the Nines for no reason at all and go to a Martini Bar - DONE but doesn't mean we won't do it again

I think this list... might be growing!

Latest Theatre Review - Where's My Money?

Check out the 'Emotionally Powerful and Beautifully Creepy' Where's My Money?

http://www.torontostage.com/reviews/wheresMyMoney.html

New reviews!

Hey All,

Swing over to Torontostage.com to check out my lastest reviews. The Market and Featuring Loretta. Both must sees!!!

New Issues

Both shebytches.com and lipstikindie.com are both live with new issues!

This will be the last one for shebytches.com till fall.

torontostage.com

Check out my latest theatre review http://www.torontostage.com/reviews/almostMaine.html.

Torontostage.com

Hey ghouls and boils! Check out my Indie Theatre Review at Toronto Stage (http://www.torontostage.com/reviews/theDream.html)

The 21 day challenge....

So... I didn't make it to the end. Today would have been day 22 but I am sick and had soup and coffee. Yesterday was craving a Sadie's Breakfast Burrito and ate one. I would say I stuck to about 90% for the most of this. That alone is pretty damn good. Not to mention I lost 2 inches.

The end result is I need to work out more. (been doing 2 to 3 days) I also have now created amazing eating habits that include 80/90% raw food each day, eating only at Vegan establishments, and going forward, cutting out processed food (though 100% is impossible as I need protein and that comes in the form of things like Tofu and Tempeh. One of the biggest bad habits I have killed is bread. I use to eat a bagel every morning and bread was ALWAYS my lazy food. I know I will occasionally eat bread but it is no longer in my daily diet.

I didn't make it to the 30 day mark at 100% but will keep pushing the envelope. I am determined by summer to be down a couple more inches and still be 80/90% raw.

Salar and I did good and I am still going to continue on and to promote raw to others. It is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.

There are a few things I have also discovered about myself in the last few weeks.
~I have zero tolerance for men or women, but especially men, who are full of themselves. Once upon a time I use to like cocky men. Now as I am getting older, I am realizing a cocky attitude is just a front for lack of self awareness and low self esteem.
~All talk and no action will get you no where with me. If you see me rolling my eyes, RUN!
~I need to start listening to my friends. It seems when my friends and parents/sister tell me good things about myself or compliment me, I always whisper in the back of my mind you are only saying that because you love me. It takes having a few strangers tell me these things to realize everyone was being sincere.
~I am my own worst enemy. Which is good because I know where I laid out the boobie traps.
~You have to try all the flavours in the ice cream shop. Vanilla is just so FUCKING BORING!
~I actually do prefer younger men. After a few weeks of dating men my own age, I realized that the ones who will keep up are the young hotties. Younger men are also way more open minded.
Though I haven't spent as much time with them as I should be. I love my friends to death. My core group of friends, girls, boys, zombies, vampires and monsters alike are amazing and I don't tell them enough.
~I am giddy about seeing Anna. I miss that girl to death and am glad she will be home, if only for a short time.
~I have no desire to ever return to facebook... at all.

Restart!

I'm only day 18 on my Raw Challenge and I am already starting at 100 day raw challenge. Though I had a few minor falters, I've stuck to the challenge and have seen results. 2 inches lost, my hair and skin looking better and having more energy than I can remember, I am ready to push the challenge to the next level. 100 days of Raw.

Because I am restarting with a bigger challenge tomorrow, I have decided to allow myself to have a day of cooked food. I am excited to be doing the 100 day challenge. I've been wanting to do one in a long time but timing was never right. A lousy excuse and one I refuse to use this time.

Counting down! 10... 9... 8...

Choices...

choice
   /tʃɔɪs/ Show Spelled [chois] Show IPA noun, adjective,choic·er, choic·est.
–noun
1.
an act or instance of choosing; selection: Her choice of a computer was made after months of research. His parents were not happy with his choice of friends.
2.
the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option: The child had no choice about going to school.


I've been doing a lot of thinking on this word and how it affects my day to day existence. Choices, my own, what others choose to do, why I question my own, those who don't understand mine. What sparked me to reach back into the dark depths of my mind was the week I've had, it's been an interesting week. I had two dates, saw a friend I haven't hung out with in over a year and a half, and discussed the process of life with another friend.


Why do I choose the people I let in and the people I walk away from?

My own mother will freely and gladly tell those around her, that I'm a lot to handle. I've always been the child that got her hands into everything, questioned adults, read books out of her league, made bold statements and made sure everyone around her knew she wasn't going to conform to the norm. Growing up this caused me a great deal of grief. As an adult, I choose to continue with this behavior and am willing to accept the consequences. I refuse to sit back and watch the world go by, mold myself to fit a 'certain' standard or settle for anything less than I deserve. In doing so, I also choose what humans stay and who go. Why is it we hold on to things and people who no longer serve a purpose or make us miserable. Fear of being alone, rejection, or of being viewed a certain way? If you look at my group of friends, they aren't your standard white bread group. I've never lived my life that way, why would I have friends who do?


The dating game is just that, a game and if I plan to stay in it, I need a better prize at the end.

I had two dates this week, someone from my past and someone I've just met. One date reminding what I don't want and the other showing me the possibilities of what I do want in a partner.

Open and honest communication was a big factor and choice this week. I'm one of those you can take me or leave me types. I always lay my cards on the table and sometimes it shocks other times it intrigues. I don't want to waste anyone's time and I sure as hell don't want them wasting mine. This doesn't always work out in the end, I tend to scare people off. But... that's their deal and not mine. Is there actually a man out there who is strong enough? Will I see either of these men again? That is a choice I leave up to them, I don't chase. A woman with options doesn't need to.

I kissed the boys and made them cry.

I had a very open and honest conversation with one of my girls. We talked about our difference in ideals in what is considered our perfect partner. Both of us have went through life trying to figure this out. She was finally able to and now has an amazing partner. Being fully honest with me, and her bluntness appreciated, she spoke her mind, 'honey, it takes an incredibly strong man to handle you, you just have accept he might not be out there.' Did that sting, a little bit. Sting or not she was right, it does take an incredibly strong person to handle me. Emotionally, mentally and physically. My choice here. I won't settle unless I find him. I also choose to accept that he might not even be out there, but I will still keep searching.


The words we choose.

Words thrown at me this week, gorgeous, anomaly, unprecedented, stubborn, freak, reliable, sassy, terrifying.

My word of the week however, will still remain 'choices'.

Day 11... yes I'm still here

Oops! I guess I'm a bit behind on my posts. It's been a wee bit busy the last few days. I also have a confession to make... I ate something that wasn't raw. On Friday I had to go to a meeting and didn't go prepared... so, I had to eat part of a bagel. Trust me I paid for it afterward. Bloating, a feeling of uncomfortable heaviness in my stomach ALL DAY! I was hungry and there wasn't really much of an option so.... Lesson learned, keep raw bars or a bag of dates/nuts in my bag at all times!!!

Speaking of which I need to tweak my own larabar knock off recipe this week. Yesterday I started dehydrating raw curried falafels. I had to sprout some chickpeas, it took a couple of days for those to finish sprouting and by tomorrow I will have raw falafely goodness to take in my lunch. My next goal is to find a good raw wrap recipe so I can make falafel sandwiches.

Again this morning I caved and tried on the skinny jeans... I was able to get them almost all the way up... I seriously need to hide them somewhere until I've reached my goal, but can't seem to bring myself to do that. I honestly believe that I love self torture!

To Facebook or Not to Facebook...

Yesterday I abruptly deactivated my facebook account. I've been trying for months to make the leap, only ever able to stay off for a few days at a time. In recent weeks I have been trying desperately to finish 3 book projects, all off which are 2/3rds done. I keep finding myself being drawn away from my first love and to the distraction of that terrible drug.. facecrack. I pulled the plug yesterday and though going through withdrawal I am going to stick to my guns this time. There truly is nothing on there for me, I can't become a better person with Facebook, I'm not going to save the world or cure AIDS on there and I sure as hell am not going to get these books finished and published by being on there either.

The ironic thing here, is people I didn't think would really notice my disappearance have messaged me to make sure I am ok and the people that should have noticed have said nothing. It's funny how we use a cyberspace networking tool to gauge the sincerity of those around us. Weird if I don't say so myself. In all honestly I need to step back and take a hard long look at myself and what is really going on in my life. I've already started to take my health and fitness to another with the raw diet and the beginning of my own boot camp. Now I have to do the same with personal life. I constantly preach to others that life is supposed to be forward moving. I have been doing this at a snails pace and need to start kicking myself as hard as I kick others. The first step for me is to break the bad habit of procrastination with my life. Step 1 of the 12 step program, GET OFF FACEBOOK.

Then there is my crutch... the cell phone.

I am not a people person. I am introvert who would rather chat on MSN or text than actually talk to someone face to face or dial a phone and have an actual conversation. It seems that the fates have decided enough is enough and over the last week my crutch, AKA my Blackberry has begun to die a slow... jerky death. Randomly shutting itself off till it finally gave up the ghost this afternoon. I called my provider to find that after dropping it in a sink full of water a few months ago, it was only a matter of time before the battery said adios. I unfortunately can't get a new battery till after work on Monday, so am with out the ability to cower behind the safety of BB messenger and text. I actually took the brave step of giving out my land line number to people and telling them to phone me rather than message or email. Step 2 of the 12 step plan.

Whew, 2 out of 12 steps in one day is plenty. That alone is exhausting in itself.

Step 3 of 12... an actual date with someone? Do I dare....

Addendum: It's been almost 1.5 weeks since I left Facecrack, and I have no intentions of going back until I have fulfilled 3 promises I made to myself. I'm not sharing those promises, they are too personal, but until they happen, my own personal facebook page stays deactivated.

Day 7... ewwwww you wrascally wabbit!

I'm craving carrots.... is that normal... who craves carrots. I don't think this has anything to do with being on a raw diet. I am craving the taste of carrots. Normally when I fast or do detoxes, I crave other things, salty things. Usually potato chips or fries. Today this crazy... crazy craving for carrots kicked in. Because I don't have a peeler at work I would have had to buy those terrible baby carrots. I won't buy those because it is too hard to determine which are the carrots that aren't washed in a chlorine bath to preserve them. That's right folks. Ever notice they turn white after a while...

I am going to deal with the craving in about 5 minutes. Rather than chaw on 3 or 4 carrots I am going to juice them instead. That will kill the craving I hope!

I've figured out a plan to help being raw easier. Once a week I am going to make up marinades, sauces and dressings, likely mid week. Then one of the weekend days make two or three dehydrated things. Someone also said to chop up your all your veggies twice a week, but I actually don't mind the chopping. Just like washing dishes it is therapeutic for me.

I'm also considering a two day juice fast. I am trying to figure out what weekend and what juices to drink. Though they suggest you do a green juice fast, I may combine others as well. Still looking into that.

Ok... time to go juice my carrots!

Day 5 -- Hello! I'm hungry!

Hello Metabolism I'm Carolina, the person you will be tormenting for the rest of her life. Yesterday I was hungry ALL DAY. I'm not complaining, it just means my sluggish metabolism is waking up again. Same scenario today. The way to work around this is several smaller meals. I am starting that tomorrow. I also realized I need to add more live and less dehydrated stuff. I am dehydrating to keep me from getting bored, but have to remind myself that a lot of the dehydrated stuff is full of fat and calories. Some might say good fat and calories, but for someone who needs to get her body working to lose weight again needs to first lose the weight, then she can indulge!

I was searching for a link for a friend and came across this site. http://rawfoodswitch.com/. It's perfect! She sends out recipes every few days and you can take a coarse on how to transition! If you join her mailinglist you also get a couple free recipe book pdf's.

Yesterday Salar and I went to Kensington/Chinatown to stock up on veggies etc. It was a perfect day. Sunny and filled with busy happy people. The gorgeous weather will do that. I am trying to get into a habit of going to Chinatown twice a week to stock up. I also need to pick a day every week and make up my dressings and sauces for the week. If I pre make stuff it will make life sooo much easier.

The next things I am going to dehydrate though, just to keep things interesting are raw falafels, cookies and I need to tweek my larabar knock off recipe.

Day 3 of the Raw Challenge

Ok... I told myself I wouldn't do this till April 30. Though I know even then they still won't fit.... grrr...

I was looking through my closet, pulling out clothes for tonight and there they were staring at me... my skinny jeans... the jeans I could get into 2 years ago.... against my better judgement, I tried putting them on... and um, well, you know the end result.

HAVE I GAINED THAT MUCH WEIGHT! Apparently, I have.

Being raw isn't just to lose weight. For me it is a change in lifestyle, just like becoming Vegan. It is also about my health. The vain part of me just wants to fit in those damn size 8's again. Weight isn't just going to fall off and as Janis is always reminding me, you lose weight first, the last place you gained it. I have to keep reminding myself this is a journey that I have to have patience with. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be a size 8 again. Deep breath.

I am looking forward to my shopping trip to Kensington and Chinatown tomorrow. Salar (who is doing the raw challenge with me) and I are going to stock up on lots of fruits and veggies. For around $20 I leave with two bags full of goodies! I plan on doing this twice a week. Being raw doesn't mean having to break the bank. It can be done on a budget. The entire point is to be eating living foods.

I've shoved the jeans to the back of the closet again... they are staying there till April 30. I know they still won't fit, but at least I will know if I've made any progress with the weight loss part.

Day 2 of the Raw Challenge

I'm obsessing about coffee! I don't think it is the caffeine that is the issue. I think it is the ritual. Every morning before I go to work I get up, make fresh juice, shower then have a cup of coffee. On the weekends, I walk the dogs, come in and have 2 cups while I read the paper. Coffee is part of my daily ritual. How do I change this.

Today after cleaning my apartment, I went for a walk. Even with my to do list only partially done. I couldn't pass it up, 25 plus degrees and the 2nd day of April. Unheard of! The issue, I would normally stop and get a coffee to accompany my walk. As I walked past the coffee shop it took everything in my not to stop and grab a cup of java. But I didn't.

When I got home I realized in order to stay raw, I have to ensure I have variety, so I started dehydrating. I dehydrated the usual nut loaf from the Matt Amsden's Rawvolution. I also made raw tart shells and faux lara bars (which are amazing by the way) and tart shells from the Raw Chefs blog, http://therawchef.com/therawchefblog/fennel-cherry-tomato-balsamic-crust-tart-with-macadamia-cheese (sign up for the news letter)

Some of my favourite blogs need to be shared with others!
http://www.rawmazing.com/
http://www.therawdessert.com/
http://www.living-foods.com/recipes/
http://www.simplyrawrecipes.com/
http://www.aniphyo.com/

Day 1 of Raw

April 1 isn't just April Fools Day -- it is the first day of the 30 day raw challenge! I have everything ready, am hoping to do some dehydrating tonight and tomorrow, that seems to be the only thing left. I am fortunate to have my friend Salar also doing the challenge with me, it always helps to have someone else to do this with.

I've been Raw off and on over the last 3 years, a 6 month stint at one point. I am hoping that the challenge is just the beginning of being 90/95% raw on a permanent basis. The 6 months that I was raw I remember felling fabulous, then due to major life changes I fell off Raw. Now my life is completely back in order and I have no excuse.

Raw does come with it's stigma's. Many don't attempt this diet for several reason:
~too time consuming
~too expensive
~having to dehydrate
~won't be satisfied

None of the above have to happen. If you do things like cut up veggies ahead of time, shop in places like Chinatown or discount grocery stores and stick to live foods rather than pre made raw or dehydrated raw, you can do it cheaply. You don't have to have all the fancy tool to be raw, though I personally do suggest a couple good knives, and at the minimum a blender. For me over the years I have bought all the tools, so am lucky enough to have all the things I need... again another reason I have no excuse to fall of Raw again.

Though I won't be able to post every day, I will check in from time to time to let you know how things are going.

Having a fat day!

Ever have one of those no matter how gorgeous someone tells you are you still feel like a beached whale? Yup, am having one of those days...

Today I had my 1 of 3 cooked meals for the week. I am allowed 2 more and that is it. I need to start pushing myself harder to prepare for 100% raw. I am also down to 1 coffee a day, rather than my two in the morning. Now to get off coffee all together.. UGG, really not looking forward to that.

Yesterday I was ill, fever, sore throat, exhausted. I slept pretty much all day. I woke this morning feeling tired still, but sore throat and fever gone! I think I am running myself down again. I always spread myself way too thin and though I have gotten better, it needs to stop. I keep giving my time up to others and HAVE TO STOP! If last weeks snub taught me anything it's that I am not appreciated at all. So going forward all my time will be spent on writing and having fun. I am no longer volunteering my time to anyone. Enough is enough!!!

Right... we were talking about me being fat. Since I started getting back on track with raw, I have lost 2 inches around my middle. The rule of thumb is you lose weight first, the last place you gained it. That is my tummy and waist area. My ass is another issue. I know I need to start working out again. It truly is the only way I will ever lose the huge bootie. I will always have a bootie, I could just use with a smaller one. Raw can only do so much, if I want to see permanent results I need to start working out and consistently. I know in may I said I was doing the yoga challenge, but I think I need to start it in April and combine both the Raw Challenge and the Yoga Challenge. I think what I need is someone to kick me in the work out pants and motivate me to get physical again... ya... that's the ticket...

Time to go chop up my fruits and veggies for tomorrow.

Pushing the envelope...

Pushing the envelope... what the hell does that mean and why do we say it when we are pushing ourselves to the brink...

anyhoooo

I woke up sick today... yesterday I was out and got wet. It was raining and windy and an umbrella was useless... so... soaked right through. It started with a head ache, which I blew off as either stress or from the shitty weather we are having. No... no it was the beginning of something else. This morning I woke up with a sore throat. I was suppose to be going to see King Tut. Instead I am going to be on my couch, under my quilt, praying the fever and sore throat are gone by tomorrow. Sick or not I have to go to work. Hopefully switching back to a mostly raw diet will put an end to sore throats and colds.

It is two weeks till April 1 and the beginning of the raw challenge. I have two weeks to get rid of all the cooked food in my fridge and to get myself off coffee. I am about 80% raw right now and starting tomorrow am working up to 90%. My goal is to be down to 3 cooked meals and off coffee by next weekend. Then the last week of March have my final two cooked meals. I am already gathering recipes and rereading all my raw books and in the last week of March am going to start dehydrating things like fruit, nuts, nut loaf and Larabars.

I LOVE Larabars! LOVE LOVE LOVE them, but they are way too expensive, so... I went looking for recipes and found a few. One of my goals is to not buy prepared raw food rather, make all my own. It is actually super easy to dehydrate all your own stuff, it's just the waiting part. The best way to avoid frustration is start dehydrating a few days before you run out of stuff. I don't want to have too much dehydrated food in my diet, but it is a great way to keep variety. Eating just raw veggies, fruit and nuts can get boring after a while and the occasional bit of warmth helps.

A few people have asked me if eating raw means apples and salad all the time. Absolutely NOT! You can make tonnes of raw dishes that aren't just salad, such as raw soup, desserts (raw strawberry pie!!!!!), lasagna, spaghetti, nacho's, falafels, brownies, it's endless. Though many of these dishes do take a bit of time to prep, I tend to make a bunch at a time and refrigerate it, especially things that are made in the dehydrator.

Ok, back to my juice and under the comforter....

Larabar

http://www.cleaneatingonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59:larabar-recipe&catid=39:snack-recipes&Itemid=59

http://www.recipezaar.com/Lara-Bar-Copycat-Raw-Food-347784

http://chocolateandzucchini.com/archives/2009/05/homemade_larabars.php

http://www.bradybunchmom.com/2008/03/more-raw-recipes-mango-pieapple-pie.html

Is Raw Baby!

April 1 is more than just April Fools Day. It is the day I am starting my 30 day Raw Challenge. I am making every effort possible to return to the Raw Foodist lifestyle. 2.5 years ago I had made the 6 month mark of being almost 100% raw but then fell off the wagon. I had a lot of change happening in my life and it made it hard for me to stick with it. Now I regret stopping.

When I was I felt amazing. I had lost weight, I had zero cellulite, my skin looked amazing, I had the energy of a teenager, but mostly I was eating 100% all natural food. Yes, being raw takes a lot of preparation. But that little extra work is well worth it. I have started preparing for the beginning of raw again. Currently I am eating raw for breakfast and lunch and only allowing cooked for dinner. Even then I am trying to stick to as much raw as possible. I am also sprouting and starting to dehydrate again. Today I took the time to clean out my freezer and am finishing off the cooked food that is in my fridge. Once the Raw Challenge is done, my plan is to stick to a 80/90% raw diet and when I do eat cooked food it will be food I prepare from scratch.

The hardest thing for me is going to be giving up coffee. I love coffee and not just because of the kick it gives me, it's the flavour, the smell, the ritual. I can do it, I have before and going without coffee for one month isn't going to kill me. Nut or shut up as they say!

Spring is on the way and it is time to start shedding the layers. For me it's time to shed those last few layers of unhealthy things I was doing to myself. For anyone else interested in kicking their health into a new level, I am posting links to some awesome raw food sites below.

Websites
http://www.living-foods.com/recipes/
http://www.thebestofrawfood.com/starting-a-raw-food-diet.html
http://www.rawrose.com/ (amazing cookbook - use it quite often)
http://www.rawbc.org/raw_recipes.html
http://www.welikeitraw.com/rawfood/raw-food-recipes.html
http://goneraw.com/
http://www.fromsadtoraw.com/RawRecipes.htm
http://www.therawdessert.com/
http://www.rawmazing.com


Books
Raw Food Revolution Diet
Raw Food Detox
Green for Life
Sprouts

Cookbooks

Raw Food Made Easy
Ani's Raw Food Kitchen
Rawvolution
Raw Food for Busy People

The Art of Wooing and the Age of Chivarly

I'm a romantic. I always have been, however my idea of romance is stuck somewhere in a 1920's state of mind. In the last couple of months I have been back and forth on the whole dating thing, I decided to start dating again, quit, started again and now am considering going back on a dating strike. Why? Because the art of wooing and age of chivalry is dead!

The fact that men no longer seem to understand how to woo a woman is frustrating the hell out of me. If a man actually took the time to do things to get my attention and make an effort to impress me, I might actually want to date. Instead all I have been getting are men wanting to 'hook-up'. I swear to the Gods the next man that says that to me get's punched in the nads! I hate that term, HATE IT! What ever happened to sending flowers, nice dinners, sweet words and manners. I want to be wooed. I want to be taken on dates, I want a man to actually make the effort and show me that they are worth my time.

In the last month I have had two men from a year and a half ago suddenly re-appear. Back then, I went on a couple dates with both men, but ended it for different reasons. One of the reasons was that one of them had a girlfriend, which I discovered a few dates in. Apparently he still has a girlfriend, but was hoping I had somehow gotten amnesia in the last year and a half or conveniently forgot. Really? Really?

I've grown weary of constantly having men who are in relationships (married or otherwise), unavailable, or just not into being into a relationship making their 'moves' on me. Even those who are supposedly 'available' are frustrating me to no ends. I have to keep explaining how I'm not interested in a casual only relationship. What ever happened to the men who want to date because they are looking for a possible relationship, where are the men who are looking for love?

I'm not alone here, I am hearing the same complaints from many women. Women who are amazing and deserve to be treated with love and respect. Women who deserve to be treated like Goddesses, instead, we are all being treated like we are disposable and this needs to end. The issue here is how do we change men's attitudes. How do we get men to start wooing us again?

Step one, we need to stop making is easy for them. I am guilty of this, I'm not trying to look like a martyr here, but we need to stop giving in too early. Growing up I was taught if you play hard to get you are more likely to not only get the man, but find one who respects you. Somewhere along the way we all gave into the 3 date rule, that making them work for it meant we were too high maintenance. Too high maintenance??? Our dating rules need to go back to the way they were when we were growing up, we need to change the 3 date rule to the 3 month rule. A male friend of mine told me that if you make him wait 3 months, minimum, and he sticks around, it's because he is looking for love and is willing to make an effort. We all jump into things way too fast these days, and waiting, though sometimes hard, is exactly what we need to do. Waiting means wooing.

I want to stop feeling frustrated, I want to stop being disappointed and I want to finally meet someone who is going to make an effort and woo me. Otherwise I may be going back on strike again, this time permanently!

100 Things I am going to do in 2010

Ok, February is 1/2 over, I should have posted this Jan 1, but am against Resolutions, this is different. It’s a fun list of things I want to do this year. I stole the idea from Salar! These are not in order of importance, just as they popped into my head. Some things I have never ever done and others I have but want to do again and have promised to do them this year!

As I do them I will update the list.

1 Learn to Salsa
2 Finish all 3 manuscripts
3 Get a book picked up for publication
4 Go to Scotland/England
5 Reach my goal weight and stay there
6 Learn how to make Vegan hot and sour soup
7 Go back on the Raw diet ~ started on Feb 14th ~ am 90% raw
8 Be 100% raw for 30 days straight ~ doing this in April - DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!
9 Learn a new skill ~ DONE
10 Sing Karaoke ~ am terrified to sing in front of people
11 Learn to Box
12 Return to freelance writing/editing full time
13 Go to the Opera
14 Go to the Ballet
15 See The Nutcracker
16 Day trip to Stratford
17 Spend an afternoon at the Distillery District
18 Be in a Zombie movie
19 Get my first tattoo
20 Stay off Facebook for 1 full week ~ did it for a month
21 Road trip to Niagara Falls and all the haunted attractions
22 Be able to do 100 push ups ~ maybe I should start with 10
23 Spend an entire day on the Island - DONE
24 Go on a 1950’s style picnic
25 Ride in a Hearse ~ while still alive
26 See an outdoor play
27 Tour the Bruce Caves with my Dad
28 Fall in Love
29 Hand write a love letter and have someone to send it to
30 Relearn Spanish
31 Relearn French
32 Learn to drive a stick shift
33 Go camping
34 Spend a weekend at a cottage
35 Visit the Ago
36 Visit the ROM ~DONE
37 Visit the Science Centre
38 Go to NYC for a weekend ~ I haven’t been in 9 years
39 Go on a car trip without a plan
40 Stay in a haunted Bed and Breakfast
41 Go on a paranormal investigation
42 Cut out processed food. ~ Already make about 80% of my own food
43 Do a dare ~DONE
44 Ask a boy out on a date ~ Done, I asked the wrong boy lol!
45 Have a 1950’s style dinner party - everyone has to come dressed up 1950’s, menu and Martini’s
46 Re-read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
47 Go Bowling
48 Take my sister to the Dakota
49 Do at least one thing I have never tried ~ skiing downhill, snowboarding, archery, stand on the glass floor of the CN tower.
50 Go horseback riding
51 Have an article published in a major publication
52 Have a short story published in an anthology
53 Publish an article/story in a Horror Magazine
54 Make a Halloween Advent Calendar
55 Hot yoga
56 Do a 30 day yoga challenge
57 Break 3 bad habits ~ one down (coffee), biting nails done, 1 more to go
58 Go to Shakespeare in High Park
59 Watch the sunrise, from a beach
60 Visit a province I’ve never been in
61 Go to a Carnival
62 Work at a haunt if even for one night, this halloween
63 Teach a non vegan how to make a vegan meal ~ DONE!
64 Have someone cook a meal for me - DONE
65 Teach Harley how to shake a paw ~ He did it once, that counts!
66 Eat at the CN tower
67 Take her parents to the CN tower
68 Visit Casa Loma
69 Find an excuse to wear my vintage dress. - DONE
70 Find a Vegan restaurant I’ve never been too - DONE
71 Have coffee with my secret crush ~ Done and what a let down. I built this person up to be something they weren't.
72 See my cousin Lisa!
73 Fit back into my Skinny Jeans!
74 Ride the Ferris Wheel with Anna - DONE
75 Carve my name in a tree
76 Spend a day in a spa
77 Spend and afternoon at Necropolis
78 Walk in the secret cemetery
79 Go to Trash Palace
80 Kiss a boy in Zombie make up
81 Spend a week in Wiarton
82 Go on a road trip with my parents
83 Have a girls weekend with my sister - sorta done
84 Go to a drive in movie
85 See Danzig
86 Have my tea leaves read
87 Buy a bike
88 ride the bike trails
89 Have a craft day with Michelle
90 Take a class - DONE
91 Finish off my writing to do list
92 Play guitar hero
93 Stop biting my nails - DONE
94 Spend Dec 25th having a second annual do nothing but watch Xmas themed horror movies day
95 Start running again - working on it!
96 Write a poem and read it out loud in front of people
97 Learn how to do a summersault.
98 Learn how to swear in another language - DONE
99 Stop procrastinating
100 Write this list for 2011 before Jan 1st

Thank you Mae

Two of my favourite Mae West quotes. When I am feeling crappy about myself, I tend to lean on Mae to make me laugh. Quotes, movies or otherwise! She was a wise lady!

~Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

~A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

The week I don't ever want to repeat again!

Every once in a while, after a shitty week, I will say I want a 'do over'. After the week I had... I want a 'never happen again' week. A combination of a health scare and a person showing their true colours to me, had me feeling incredibly low. When I start feeling sad and depressed, I tend to over think everything, this time around though, it put me in the headset that had me thinking hard about my future. We are only allowed a short period of time on this large rock and I'm not using my time wisely! Circumstances or people are usually around to remind me of this.

I stood back and took inventory of all the things I was doing to waste time. When I sat down and figured it out, I felt ill that I had been wasting hours of my time on Facebook. Hours that should be spent researching and writing, or having a life. I think everyone should do the same, take a look at how much time you are wasting on this 'social media'. It's not social at all, in fact it is turning us into a bunch of addicted hermits.

Every once in a while I am reminded by my peers that I'm good at what I do. In the midst of my hell week, I was once again reminded that I need get my arse moving and dedicate myself to my passion and love, I need to put my blinders on and finish my manuscripts. Having a potentially serious health issue come up made me realize I haven't been working hard enough and am slowly letting my dream slip away. Distractions such as people, who don't deserve to be in my life and facebook are the biggest of the two. So... I quit both cold turkey.

Wait, let me back up a bit. I didn't quit everyone, just someone who showed me who they really were. I spend way too much of my time trying to please others and never having them reciprocate, this can no longer happen. There was a point in my life where I wouldn't stand for anyone's bullshit. At some point in the last several years, I felt like I needed to be 'nicer', that I needed people to 'accept me'. I hate that person. I hate that I let others come first. I hate that I lost that girl who didn't give a shit if she pushed ahead in the line. I can't be that person any longer especially if I want to achieve these goals that I've set out for myself. I use to have balls and after some digging, I've found them again.

Though hard, quitting certain people and facebook is exactly what I needed to do to get back on track. Though the benefits of facebook (networking and knowing what events are going on) will be missed, I need to step away from it and having negative people in my life... only drags me down.

I never want to repeat last week ever again and if I stick to the new plan, I never will!

New issue of lipstikindie.com

The new issue of http://www.lipstikindie is live with reviews on designers/artists; Vapidus Designs and Designer Metal Taboo, Music reviews for Ben Rusch, Dan Web, Athena Reich, book reviews for, Temporary Monsters by Ian Rogers, Dirty Little Angels by Chris Tusa and comic book reviews for The Middle Man by Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Hans Beimler and The Return of King Doug by Greg Erb and Jason Oremland.

She kicks me in the pants right when I need it!

I've been working on a script idea, off and on for the last 6 months. Recently I realized my original idea needed a major overhaul and the last week I've been working through what needs to be changed. I've spend a good part of today working on it and got stalled... I've been trying to figure the direction of the main character. Something or someone is missing. Out of nowhere, this amazing 90 year old spitfire with a thick Scottish accent appeared. I'm now once again moving forward.

This isn't the kick in the pants that the title of this blog entry alludes to. This was just much needed help....

For months I've been making progress and moving back up the hill to actually being happy again. It's been a very steep, very slippery slope! I am almost at the top... then somewhere around 3 am this morning, I heard the demons in my head whispering again and well.... I started sliding backward. When I do this, I usually end up hermiting myself and move back into the world of writing. I don't have to deal with real people when I am there. So, out comes the script.

That's not the only thing that came out! I smiled when I thought of this tiny, 90 year old woman telling off the main character. Deja Vu, familiar territory. Grandma Betty?

This woman took no guff from anyone, she was tough, independent, raised many, many children on her own and laughed, a lot. When I was 13 she met up with me one day as I was walking home from school. I didn't see her at first and she was right beside me before I even noticed. I had spent another day being tormented by girls in school, ostracized for not fitting in. She caught me off guard, caught me crying.

I went through Hell in high school. A Hell, I until recently haven't shared with very many people. That day I did end up sharing it with Grandma Betty, she listened and when I was done, looked at me, told me to blow my nose and said these words that, till this day I can still hear loud and clear. 'Why do you care what they think?' Every time I would try to answer she would stop me and repeat, 'Why do you care what they think?' Why did I care? This woman had lived through emigrating from Scotland to Canada, poverty, raising 13 children on her own and took care of herself for most of her life. I was 13 and crying over words. Yes mean words, but just words. These words and the talk with her that afternoon gave me the ability to deal with what I was going through and her strength has helped me become the woman I am today.

She isn't with us in body any longer. She hasn't been for many years, but let me tell you, she swings back in just when you need it. Today was one of those days. I've been fighting with myself not to let one specific aspect of my life get to me any longer, but somehow I let it back in again. I over think things and need to stop and I needed to hear her thick, beautiful accent saying those words to me, because really, why do I care what anyone thinks. Like her, I've been taking care of myself for many, many years and likely will for years to come. I needed her today and she was right there without fail. I miss that woman with all my heart, but know she will always be there to kick me in the keester when I need it.

I'm not sure if she ever told my parents about that day. It was never mentioned to me, so I'm not sure. But it is one of my fondest memories of her and one of her most important lessons.