Wow!

It's official. You just sealed it for me.. YOU ARE A RETARD. Sarrah also just made me understand why... you are Data from Star Trek... your missing the emotional chip. Now I get it! Now I get it...

And... two other retards....... my dogs....... every time a door bell rings on TV, they think it is my doorbell and run to the door barking.........geez.

And horror movies..... when you are being chased by a car.... why do you continue to run down the road........... I don't understand that.

why are these men always unattainable...

All day I've been keeping warm in this -1000 windchill by drinking coffee, working on recipes/game/writing and watching Turner Classic Movies.... as I'm watching there seems to be a pattern... the men.. they are all ordinary looking...yes they can sing and dance... but realistically most men do.......ummm... my point... gene kelly, jimmy stewart, fred astaire... just to name a few are playing 40ish ordinary, boring men who... are confirmed bachelors.. unattainable..., go on and on about how they could never marry.... and of course have their.....'excuses'. Yet, yet... they act as if they deserve all the gorgeous women in these movies, yet show them no respect... breaking it down:

average joe = unattainable, self righteous, egotistical
carey grant type = happily married, honourable, sweet

Is this where the patterns all started???

Recipe For My Perfect Man

Recipe For My Perfect Man

serves: 1
preparation time: a couple hours..... minimal
cooking time: how long does a marathon take?

Ingredients:
6' 2" of Gerard Butler whole
1 cup Jimmy Stewart's integrity
1 cup Gomez Addams animal attraction
1/2 cup Gabriel Byrne's sensuality
1/4 cup Gil Grisoms logic
1/4 cup Quentin Tarantino's dark creativity
1/8 cup King Leonidas bravery (more than an 1/8th is too overpowering)
2 TBSP Carey Grant's sarcastic wit
2 TBSP Vin Deisel's sexy
1 TSP Mad Max's grit
Jason Stathom to taste

What to do:
Cut the Gerard Butler into strips approximately 2 inches wide and 6 inches long.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the Jimmy Stewart, Gomez Addams, Gabriel Byrne, Gil Grissom and Quentin Tarantino. Mix well ensure you smooth out all lumps. Once batter is of an even consistency, gradually add in King Leonidas, Carey Grant and Vin Deisel. If necessary add Jason Stathom to taste.

Place the Perfect Man in a shallow 9 X 13-inch glass baking dish. Sprinkle with Mad Max's grit. Let chill in the refrigerator for approximately 24 hours, covered. Remove from refridgerator and let come to room temperature. Once ready bake at 425 F for approximately 45 minutes. Let cool, serve with a nice Chianti.

positively single

Yesterday I was ready to pack up my place, my bags and move to another city... country.. something. It has been shit since Friday... to recap... had to rush my princess of a dog to the vet.... now not only is she on meds, but can no longer go up and down stairs or.. jump on the furniture.... it's such a joy carrying two 14 lb dogs up and down stairs...... ended something and ya.. yesterday property mgmt came up to tell me someone complained that my dog barked while he was on the balcony at 12:30 the other evening........ I thought what else... this morning I woke up and went... wow.... the responsibilities of being single... can't someone else do this stuff for me..... then I thought of all the things that are a bonus of being single...

no one fucks up my laundry
no one finishes the toilet roll and doesn't replace it
no one eats my last cookie, drinks my soy milk or eats that last piece of blueberry pie I was saving.
no one questions why I bought that $300 pair of cool red boots I don't need or complains that I have too many purses.
all of the drawers and closet are MINE, MINE, MINE
I have control of the remote!
I chose when I go out and when I come in and don't have to leave if I don't want to.
I don't have to ask if I should buy that can of what ever when I'm grocery shopping. I don't give a shit if you don't like peaches... I do and I'm buying a bushel
I can go days with out having to talk to anyone if I chose.. ok... not true, sarrah calls me daily to make sure I haven't fallen in the tub
I can sleep on what ever side of the bed I want, walk around the apartment naked
my apartment looks exactly the way I want it to
I can go on vacation when I want to go on vacation, where ever I want to go on vacation
I can have weekend guests and not have to ask anyone else if it's ok...
No one tells me what to wear... though.. I should stop getting dressed in the dark......
I can eat PBJ sandwiches 3 meals a day 7 days a week and no one can stop me
I can sit and watch 12 hours of really bad horror... and no one questions my sanity...

I know there are soooo many more...... but... I don't have that much time.

Bleech

The last couple days have sucked... suckage in the biggest way.... I had to rush my dog to the vet, she re-pulled a muscle in her back and is now on painkillers and anti-inflammatory medication... she is an expensive dog, but, at least I don't have to pay university tuition. I adore my dogs, they give me unconditional love.... unconditional. I just wish I could find a human would do the same.

Friday night, I had to end something. I knew it had to be done, but had been putting it off. Things weren't the same any longer, which is too bad, as this was a really good person who I had a lot of fun with. Sometimes we have to choose to end things when they seem to be one sided. I had to look hard at the situation and I realized I was the one who needed to go down a different road.

I know I don't like to admit it but I'm a big retarded romantic. I like being chased and courted and told that I am admired. I also want someone who will fight for me. I need that, unfortunately it is extremely hard to find that quality in another person. Rather than make something work... they would rather walk away. Just give up rather than do the work. That makes me sad, very sad. I am worth the fight, at least I think I am, I am worth so much more. I deserve more. I want someone in my life who is going to love me passionately and show me. I am also going to admit something else here, this is part of the reason I hate romantic movies. I look at them and think this is bullshit. That doesn't happen in real life. But it does, it just doesn't happen in my life and I guess that bothers me. You are suppose to leave those types of movies feeling all warm and mushy... I walk away feeling sad. There I've said it.

I also don't live in the past, so... what's done has been done. I need to get up, dust the dirt off my ass, and move on. Getting hurt sucks, but I'm tough, it won't be the first time and I sure as hell know... it won't be the last. This weekend has also made me realize I've been foolishly expending too much energy on people that don't deserve it. I have three kick ass projects I am working on (a game, my book, and the cookbook with viki). I need to stop fucking around and get back to what my destiny is... not worrying about taking care of other people and their needs. I need to get back to it being all about me!

this one always gets me

The video and the song.. always get me....  not too many things... but this.. The movie, Where the Red Fern Grows, the book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and the book the Lovely Bones... get to me...

why?

Why is it so wrong to want to have someone in your life, love you deeply and passionately.  To meet that person who sweeps you off your feet and want to spend their entire life making you happy.  What is so wrong with wanting that? And why do I feel so guilty for wanting it?

A love story... that always breaks my heart

I'm working away on the vegan recipe book, I am doing with Viki.  In the background I have King Kong playing on the TV.  I adore this movie.  The original and the version from 1979 with Jessica Lange and Jeff Bridges.  As I've written in a previous post I hate romantic movies, however this one is an exception.  It gets me every time.

King Kong is the ultimate love story.  Boy meets girl, boy takes girl home, jealous other man, steals girlfriend away, boy rescues girl, dies a horrific death, girl realizes how much she really loved boy.  The only difference here is the boy is a 50 ft tall gorilla.

I think a lot of people in this movie forget that Kong is the tragic figure here, not the humans.  He falls in love with the femme fatale and the femme fatale, falls for him.  In the beginning she is terrified of him, but who wouldn't be... he is 50 ft tall for Pete sake.  Eventually, she realizes that she has no intentions of harming her, only wants to love an protect her.  Then of course along come the greedy men who see dollar bills at the potential of show casing this 'beast'.  Of course they inadvertently rescue 'the girl' in the process.

In the end, when Kong dies, people are usually cheering that he has been killed.  They are glad that once again human kind has been saved from the 'beast'.  I on the other hand get teary eyed as Kong isn't the 'beast'  The humans are.  I know how this movie is going to end, but in my heart each time I watch it, I hold my breath hoping that somehow it will end differently.  Kong will get the girl and they will go back to his island and live happily ever after.  It hasn't happened yet... but then again... I may just rewrite the ending to fit my wants.  Kong to me will always be the ultimate romantic hero.

Thanks Sarrah....

.... now I'm not getting any work done!

linkee that is causing me issues.....

Valentines... Smalentines

Great another commercial holiday to make us feel like absolute shit when no one remembers we exist.  A holiday to sell cards, and chocolates and ridiculous momentos to celebrate what exactly.  Love???  Do we need one specific day for that?

When you love someone, you should be showing them how special they are every single day of the year.  Why do we need some stupid greeting card invention to do that.  Yes, valentines day is a greeting card invention, just like mothers' day, fathers' day, Easter and Christmas.  Anything to bump up consumerism and make us forget the true meaning of holidays. 

Does anyone actually know the true meaning of Valentines, Easter or Xmas.  Do you realize that they are all originally Pagan holidays that the church converted for their own purposes.  Or that Easter and Valentines are actually days that people risking their lives for others were brutally killed for their sacrifices. Does anyone know anything other than what the greeting card companies and television commercials are telling us?  No... That's right, now go have a chocolate bonbon.....

my brain is all foggy....

I am trying to finish writing one final story for the short story book with viki and anna, yet, can't get into it.  At first I thought that it was that I was bored writing it.  I get that way sometimes, it just takes a new view of the story to get me excited again.  But that isn't it.  There is something weighing on me... something that I know has happened but I am too scared to find out if I'm correct.  It's not a bad thing really, it will just change a lot of things.  It will be a new challenge yes, but a positive one.  I just need to wait a few more days and if things don't change... I will go figure it out.  

I know this is cryptic, but I can't say anything else.  Why bother writing this, because to get things off my shoulders I have to write them down.  It usually helps.  And why am I worried about something I'm not even 100% about... I'm very intuitive.  Scary Intuitive.  I knew the second it happened.  I could actually sense it... then tryed to put it out of my mind... but.. I haven't.  Hopefully now I can go back to writing...

my own rear window

I joked to Sarrah that my apartment has it's own rear window view.  She looked at me and said... ummm what is you have in mind.  I'm a bit of a voyerist.  Always have been.  And one of my all time favourite movies is... Rear Window.  Which I am going to put on after I eat.  It beats the really badly done Friday 13th part, what 1000 that is on now.  So back to my rear window.  I live in an apartment building that looks on to two other apartment buildings.  In the summer it was a lot of fun sitting out there and listening the sounds of darkness.  I soon discovered.  Apocolypto boy. 

Apocolypto boy has an apartment in the building right across from me.  I may have never noticed him except he has the biggest TV I've ever seen.  It's gotta be 10 ft across.  Has to, as I can see what he is watching, the only thing missing is the sound.  Now you would think someone like that would take full advantage of this TV and watch tonnes of movies.  No, not Apocolypto boy.  NO!  He insists on watching the same movies over and over again.  Not only that I think the only game he owns is Halo and well, he sucks at it.

Now the whole point of being a voyerist is variety.  You want to be able to look in on other peoples lives but... see different stuff.  This guy was starting to drive me nuts.  To the point that if I saw him watching that stupid movie one more time I was marching down to the video store, buying him some new movies and then throwing them onto his balcony.  I know.. CREEPY!!!

He isn't the only apartment I have the ... creepy pleasure of viewing... there is 'ET call home people'  they have at least a dozen satellite dishes on their balcony and there is this weird strobe light that is going off in their apartment.. all the time.  Smoking guy.... am assuming a chain smoker who isn't allowed to smoke in the apartment... he is on his balcony more than he is in his apartment.  Seriously if I was a smoker and wasn't allowed to smoke inside... I'd be rethinking my habit.  It's friggn cold out now!!!

Then in the summer, well no, even now, there is the belt line and the goings on down there. ... another post for another time.

Right now, am going to eat my dinner and pop Jimmy Stewart in the DVD player and watch one of the best Hitchcock movies ever.

One of my little quirks

Those who know me... know how much I LOVE horror movies, especially Zombie movies.  However, what I like even more than Zombie movies is really badly made horror.  The worse it is made, the more I LOVE it.  I am addicted to Scream channel and I swear during the day they have been showing some of the worst horror ever.   Right now I am watching 2000 maniacs... it's hokey, bad acting, great idea for a movie, don't get me wrong but terrible, terrible, terrible!!  And I can't take my eyes off it.  Just like a train wreck.  The only thing that is a bit disappointing about this movie is the director/writer Herschell Gordon Lewis is known for his gore. Blood Feast is a cult classic.  Yet, there isn't any.... you are lead up to the possibility of gore... then all you get is really bad imitation blood.... sigh.  But again... train wreck.... that I can't stop looking at.

this is bullshit....

My favourite saying lately is either...'this is bullshit' or 'that's bullshit'.  I find it works for pretty much every situation I've been in lately.  Try it.  It seems to make every situation ok.  And once you say it... you kinda realized things really aren't that bad.

Generally when most things go wrong in life... it pretty much is bullshit.  And once you realized that, things will start to look up again.

I think I might have that put on a tee shirt....

Here we go again...

I truly don't understand the human race....  Why is it when we have something so obvious standing in front of us we choose to either ignore, or walk away from it, out of fear, rather than take a leap of faith?  Why as humans do we continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, rather than learn from our lesson?  Why can't we ask the questions we really want to, rather than beat around the bush?

I have been involved in a few situations lately that finally pushed me over the edge:   

~One is a friend who clearly hasn't thought through their plans and is now regretting a very serious decision.   

~Another has someone standing right in their face, placed firmly in front of them, someone who loves them dearly and would do anything for them, yet is completely oblivious to it.  Or at least that is the facade they put on.  I think they are using oblivion to cover up their fear of allowing them self to fall in love.  Allowing to let it all go and take a chance.  They are afraid that they are going to fuck up the relationship, and rather than take a chance and find that out, they hid behind their wall or rather continue to walk into that wall, over and over again!

~Then there is the the third, someone who is smart, has great friend, has a great job but according to them, life sucks.  They are so incredibly negative, it pains me to be around them.  All they do is complain about how hard life is.  Yet refuses to do anything to change the way things are.

What this is all summed up to, is fear, fear of change, each one of these persons is afraid to try something because they don't want to fail.  They haven't learned that failure is required before you can achieve any kind of success.  ANY kind!  All I have done for this last year is take leaps of faith, embrace change and bound forward like a bull.  Or in my case a female lioness.  I promised myself to never go through another day not doing things because of fear.  Life is too short to.  

I also say learn from your mistakes.  Who cares if you mess up.  Wouldn't you rather try something to find out if you can do it, rather than go through life saying woulda, coulda, shoulda?  I'm not going to.