The Lioness

I was having a conversation with V last night.  When something hit me and it hit me like an 18 wheeler.... how cliche is that but....  I'm a Lioness.  Ok, let me backtrack and explain.  Last night, during our conversation, V said that she won't chase men, they need to chase her.  It made sense.  Why should she.  Why should any of us.  But... but... there is an exception.  I am a female lion, a lioness.

The Lionesses.  Lionesses are powerful animals who usually hunt in groups and stalk their chosen prey.  Because Lionesses hunt in open spaces where they are easily seen by their prey, cooperative hunting increase the likelihood of a successful hunt; this is especially true with larger species. Thank you Wikipedia.  

I realized I am the chaser... not the chasee.  This is with absolutely everything.  Everything about my life.  If I want it... I have to go after it.  My mistake all along it I have been sitting back and waiting to be chased.  Oh, I've been doing work, but only 10% of it.  I need to be doing 110% if I want anything to go the way I have decided it should.  

I have been suffering from one of the worst cases of insomnia I've had in a very long time.  It's been a week now.  My K asked it if was anxiety,  I said no, I've had this issue all my life, I just can't turn my brain off.  He was right, it is anxiety, I've been stressing about the path my life is on, a path I am proud to be on, one that I've dreamed about being on for a very long time.  I'm stressing because I refuse to fail and the thought that I could fail is weighing on me heavily.  But, I'm not going to fail.  

I am the strong Lionesses and I always have been.  My strength both draws in and terrifies people around me.  I have to fully accept this and start stalking my prey!

Let me clear something up...

Ok, maybe if I put this in writing... you might all get it.  Stop asking me to go to romantic comedies... even if they are starring Gerard Butler!  Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE Gerard... who doesn't, but even if he is running around naked for the entire movie.. if it is a romantic comedy.  Don't ask me to go. 

Why you ask?  I CAN'T STAND romantic comedies.  They make me want to hurl.  Let me explain why.  Romantic comedies are the equivalent to reality TV... they aren't real!  Not one of them.  It's the biggest load of bullshit... faery tale endings and all that shit.  None of this happens in real life.  

~Men don't go to the other side of the world and travel across a war torn country to find their true love.

~Men don't leave a trail of love letters so that after they die you get to fulfill all your fantasies.

~No one has the PERFECT marriage/relationship... what ever.

~Men just don't do the things that Hollywood has tried to get us to believe in these ridiculous movies.

Ok, someone reading this is say... 'what a bitter bitch'.  I'm not bitter, not at all.  I'm a realist.  I've been there and done that.  Sure I would love my prince to ride in on a perfect black stallion and sweep me off my feet.  But I know that isn't going to happen.  It's not that easy.  You have to work for it.  Work for every single ounce of it.  If you think that it will all just happen and everything will be all peachy all the time... get over yourself.

What's real... 

~Marriages don't last anymore.  Five years is the max.  If you make it that far you are doing well. 

~If you decide to be in a relationship both of you need to work on it.  All day, all week, all the time!!!

~We fight with each other all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  That is why they invented make up sex.

~Movies are not real life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a romantic. Ask anyone who knows at me.  I do believe that everyone out there has a soulmate.  I want to find mine.   I often joke that it's my dog Harley.... he is a perfect little blondie boy.  I also believe in love at first site... well sorta.. it's more lust at first sight, but....  I know it's possible.  I want to find someone who gives me butterflies every time I see them, or talk to them on the phone, anxious too see them and miss them like crazy when they aren't around.  I want those things, but... I am a realist and know that it may never happen.  I also know that is if I do, I need to do the work that goes with it.  I don't walk around with my head in the clouds, if I do, I've given a few people permission to smack me.  I know that my life isn't a Romantic comedy, how boring would that be.  It falls somewhere between an episode from Sex in the City and a Hitchcock movie.... Rear Window is what I would pick.

So in short... STOP asking me to go to Romantic movies.  You want to take me to a movie... Here is a list.

No Country for Old Men

I am Legend

Untraceable

Cloverfield

You getting it now.... 

My brain may explode

Do you ever get so many idea's in your head that you can't keep up???  That is what is happening to me today.  It's crappy and snowing out.  A perfect stay in kinda day.  The kind where I take advantage and write.

My problem is I have one story to finish and I'm stalled on it and have 4 other stories in my head.  I can't write them down fast enough. I am also trying to research angels.  Um... except I need to know more about the not so nice ones... Michael, Gabriel and all the others.  If you have a good depth of knowledge on the archangles or books, reference, websites I could look at, please message me!

and just for shits and giggles... watch these...

Mac vs PC Halo Style

Gates vs Jobs... 

Sometimes we just have to get a hangover in order to see we have it pretty damn good!

Ok, let me explain the title of this blog.  Saturday I woke up with one hell of a hangover. A hangover that was the result of too much wine, tequila and vodka, oh and finally going to bed at 4 am.  The hangover actually lasted till dinner time because I refuse to take over the counter pain medication (Yes Sarrah I am a princess).  I know this is going to sound odd but.. it was a good hangover (seeing 'The Dr' Saturday also helped get rid of the headache ;)  there is nothing like getting rid of it the old fashioned way)! 

Friday night was girls night.  We started out at my place drinking wine... and ended up at the Silver Dollar.  My girls and I had a blast, actually we always have a blast, who am I kidding! !  Going to the Silver Dollar was the highlight of it all, as I was able to talk to 'the cutie', laughed till I thought I was going to be sick and met up with old friends that I haven't seen in a very long time.  That alone was a nice surprise.

 

The hangover, reminded me of a few things:

• I have friends, who love me and we all enjoy each others company... friends that I drink too much with but... 
  
• Even if I don't see certain friends for months or even years... we seem to pick up exactly where we left off (and this doesn't just pertain to last night, a few friends from my past have made it back into my life again since Jan 1)
  
• I will always have enough change in my pocket to enjoy nights like Friday.  Sometimes money will be tight but I will always find a way to enjoy life
  
• There will never be any bullshit... ever.  Every single one of my friends will not hold back.  If you are acting like an idiot... you will be put in check
• I realize I just need to back off on certain things and be patient.  Good things come to those who wait... this isn't a crock of shit.. it is the truth.
• 2008 is going to FUCKING Rock!!!  I've been blessed and handed may gifts and I need to ensure I always remember that.

Hello Ms Invisible

I'm starting to feel a bit invisible these last couple weeks...  Viki and I have this ongoing joke about being the invisible twins.  We go out together and waitresses, bartenders... store sales people...  ignore us...  even when we want the bill... in the last little while I was having a really good streak of luck in this department... then... whammo, I'm back to being invisible.

Thing is, it's not just when I'm with Viki.  It's happening with everyone I'm with.  I'm also getting a little tired of not getting called back when people tell me they are going to... Of course being invisible can have it's benefits.  Maybe I need to figure out what those are.

Cooking Zines

I have a confession to make.  Ok, if you know me it's not really a confession rather a fact.  I'm a cookbook whore.  Always have been.  I come by it honestly, my mother is a cookbook whore as well.  What I am really addicted to are Vegan cooking zines.  I find them more user friendly than actually cookbooks and most of them are quirky and a lot of fun.

My currently favourite are the zines produced by Katie Hubbard.  She is the creator of the blog donteatoffthesidewalk.com.  The recipes are basic, ingredients are easy to find and instructions are simple.  Go check it out.

Wearing rose coloured glasses....

I sometimes wonder if I go through life wearing rose coloured glasses.  The last few days I have been beating myself up.  Feeling like an asshole for something I thought I had done wrong on Sunday.  Last night I was beating myself up AGAIN.  I actually went as far as calling myself and asshole.  Then I realized, wait, I was being myself.  Yes, I was being aggressive, saying and doing what my feelings were telling me to.  I thought I had offended the other person with my actions. I felt really bad about this.  The thing that was making me feel bad was the silence.  

I hate silence, HATE IT!  If you have an issue with me, you need to tell me what it is.  I would rather you tell me and make me understand what I did so I don't do it again.  Rather, than completely ignore me.  I have a crazy imagination and start to over analyze the situation.  I start to replay the conversations over and over again.  Wishing I hadn't said this and that.  I will do this for days!  I then start to beat myself up.  If you just tell me up front what the issue is, we can either fix it and move on or fix it and I move on.  

I need to know the answers to EVERYTHING and sometimes won't leave people alone until I get those answers.  I never want to become an annoyance but I really need to clear things up.  I was going to completely back off the situation but have decided that if by Saturday I don't hear from this person.  I will give that person a call.  If we can go no further, I want to at least end things off on good terms.  I don't want to be the asshole.  Because truly I'm not.

Back Off!!!!

I really need to learn to back off and stop being so aggressive in certain area's of my life.  That characteristic may have caused me to blow something.  Something that could have been very nice.  Since last night I  have been completely beating myself up over the entire thing.  I do that a lot, beat myself up when I screw up.  Sometime, like now, it is called for.  This makes me sad also.  I seem to continue to make the wrong choices with people.  I allow people into my life who are selfish and only have their best interests in mind.  Then I meet someone who is a decent human being with a generous heart and I blow it by thinking they will only think of me or treat me as all the others do.  I act upon those thoughts and say and do inappropriate things. If I don't break this pattern this will keep happening.

I've also realized I can't really schedule my life around my writing and my writing around my life.  I had this beautiful schedule about when I was doing what etc.  um, ya.. it's doesn't work that way....  since Sunday I've learned two very good lessons.  Hopefully both situations are fixable.

In other news, my ass hurts today.  I did cardio with Sarrah yesterday... after many months of not doing any kind of work out... and... um.. did I mention my ass hurts.  I've promised myself something.  To stop complaining.  Put up or shut up.  I've been whining again about my weight, it's a huge self image issue that I have.  I over did it, as most people do over Christmas and have decided that the only way to ever feel 100% ok with my body is to stop bitching and start doing.  Plus, Sarrah is very persistent ;)

Now that I have unloaded the crap in my head, i am off to writing, reading, being.

rain... rain...

I've been outside once today and that was to walk the dogs.  It's January and we were having torrential downpours today.  What's that all about.  Bonus for me is I got quite a bit of work accomplished.  Both new issues for Shebytches and Lipstik are up and Sarrah and I did a bunch of work for Shebytches.  Shortly I will be trying to get all my reading caught up for my reviews.  One of my goals is to get stuff caught up and cleaned up so I can concentrate on my writing.  Originally I had planned to be up every day early and try to get all my writing etc done during the day.  I quickly realized I was kidding myself.  I'm not an early day person at all.  I start getting my creative juices flowing mid to late evening.  I realized I can't mess with that.

My faith in mankind is also getting an overhaul.  I guess all these years of being pessimistic that there isn't such a thing as a gentleman has finally caught up with me.  Turns out there really is such a thing.  I am also counting my blessings each day about my friends.  These ladies are awesome and are the best sisters anyone can ever ask for!  As we get older we start to appreciate what love really is and it doesn't always come in a nice neat little package.

Last night I had a moment of clarity about myself.  From that moment forward I realized I would never again sacrafic what makes me happy or what I want in life for any man.  The only one who suffers in the end is me.

On a side note, I LOVE really bad B horror movies, especially the ones made in the 60ish.  I know they aren't meant to be laughed at, but by the Gods... when something is that bad.... I think you get it!

In the 3rd person

Carolina recently met someone who spoke of themselves in the 3rd person.  She was completely frustrated by this and wanted to slap that person very, very hard.  So, as a practice of restraint she has decided to write this entire post... in the 3rd person.

She is trying to get rid of a cold.  She hates having a cold, it makes her cranky and no fun to be around.  Carolina is a nose breather and feels like she is suffocating if she breathes through her mouth.  Janis and Sarrah have both suggested that she buy some NeoCitrin to help with this issue.  She is very stubborn and refuses to use chemical laced medications to get rid of her cold.  Instead she is drinking hot apple cider and brandy....  her version of a hot toddy.  Having a cold hasn't allowed her to do the things she has needed to do over the last two days, such as errands and have her nose ring put back in.  At this point she has realized that her nose will have to be re-pierced, so she will just have to buck up and take the pain tomorrow.  Carolina is benefiting from being self employeed and sick.  She can watch monster movies all day and nap without worrying about work piling up at the boring office.

Carolina is also getting very frustrated with herself.  She is impatient, and restless.  She promised herself to take this week off, no work, no writing, no parties, just relaxation.  She can't seem to do it.  All she wants to do is write, write, write.  Last night she talked to Sarrah about this.  Sarrah told her to just go with it.  If there is the urge, do it....  So Carolina will follow her sisters' advice and after writing this post, will starting working on her half finished articles and reviews.  She has a lot of reading to do.  

Carolina is also trying to understand why it is so hard for her to write 'a lot' and not 'alot'.  It is one of those things she has always had problems with.  She also has problems using abbreviations, rather writes things such as 'have not' out in full instead of the much simpler, haven't.  Old habits and all that.

Carolina has come to the conclusion, that speaking about yourself in the 3rd person may not be all that bad and can actually come in handy.  As an example, say your on a boring job interview, or a boring date.  Start referring to yourself in the 3rd person, she guarantees it won't be long before they lose your number.  She will also admit the exercise was not easy at all.  It was difficult to restrain herself from saying, 'I' and 'me'.  She thinks and even harder exercise will be to do this for the entire day.  

Wow!

New Beginnings!

It's January 2nd, 2008!  I am so glad that 2007 is done.  I had a lot of major changes happen to me last year.  Each one was meant to happen and helped me learn a lot about myself as a woman and a writer.  

When I say major changes... I mean major!  I left a long term relationship, moved into my own place, sold my  house and was packaged out from my job.  All of things happened for a reason.  2007 was a time for change, 2008 is all about me living my dreams.  2008 is all about me becoming the person I use to be many years ago.  Dreamer, warrior, Woman.  

I use to be fearless, nothing frightened me, then something happened and that all changed.  Somehow along the way I got way to comfortable and stopped trying.  One day I woke up and asked myself what the fuck am I doing.  What the fuck is happening to my life.  I had all these goals and dreams and I wasn't living out any of them.  Once I realized this I put my nose to the grind and haven't looked back.  The universe seems to be agreeing with me as it is kicking me along the way.

Most would have panicked if they lost their jobs, I on the other hand did the happy dance.  The package I received is allowing me the monies I need to survive while I start establishing myself as a full time writer and allow me to finish my books.  Starting Monday, I am diving in.  This week I am allowing myself to rest, relax, take it easy.  I have long days ahead and once I start there is no looking back!

On the first day of my freedom from the corporate world, Sarrah and I went to her favourite tattoo place and I had my nose pierced (which I accidently pulled out yesterday and tomorrow will have it either put back in or re-pierced).  I admit it hurt worse than any other piercing I've had, but, it was my way of taking the old me back.  Not to mention it looks really sexy!  That is just the beginning.

2008 is going to ROCK!  I can feel it, everyone I know can feel it!  Jan 1, was the first day of the rest of my life as the Carolina that everyone use to know.  The Carolina that I use to like!