1, 2, 3 pause, 5, 6, 7 pause

I'm going on an adventure. It's called Salsa dancing!!! For the last year Rebecca has been suggesting that we go Salsa dancing on regular outings. It's a lot of fun, a great way to meet people and an amazing work out. Only problem is.. I'm an uncoordinated klutz when it comes to that kinda stuff.

Earlier today I had a quick lesson from Katie, a lover of the dance! It seemed simple enough, though I was still tripping over my feet when she was showing me. When I got home I downloaded 3 videos from Youtube.com showing me the basic steps. I was even practicing them tonight. I think I have the basic steps down, god help me if they spin me or if someone actually wants to dance with me..... oye! Though I think I have it figured out, I look like a rhythmless goof ball doing it. The funny thing is, when just dancing around to Salsa music and not doing the steps, I'm fine, but the second I started doing the 1, 2, 3, pause, I was tripping over my feet. My dogs were looking at me like I was insane!!! But I'm not going to give up! My love of latin music and latin men will keep me going :)

Tomorrow, I will continue with my practicing, Saturday will be the real test. The place we are going to has Salsa lessons from 8:30 on. Here's hoping I don't fall down! Being the optimist, by the time summer rolls around, I am determined to be an expert!!!

I hate being left in the dark...

Currently they are doing repairs to our balconies, and for our privacy we were advised to keep all of our curtains closed. For those who have seen my apartment, I have these huge, lovely windows and each day tonnes of light comes in. I've only had the curtains closed for a few hours and am realizing how much I NEED the sunlight!!! I want to go and rip open my curtains, the only issue is the workers are right outside my balcony as I type this. My boy dog has suddenly become over protective of me and if he sees people out there he will likely go apeshit!

I will have to go out for a walk before I start writing or I will end up completely ansty! Not being able to let the light in has made me realize I need sunlight in every aspect of my life. When I do look into the future, which isn't very often, I can tell if something is going to happen or not, simply by the ability to see bright lights. It's something I've done all my life and will continue to do so. Recently I've had to do the same with people. Once I stepped back and I allowed them to come in the light, I haven't been liking what I'm seeing. As a matter of fact, I'm not seeing any light at all.

When I start thinking positive about stuff, good things happen. When I'm negative they don't. When I have positive people in my life positive things happen, when I have negative people, negative things happens. For some reason, I continually attract negative people, maybe they are drawn to my positive attitude, who knows. What I've realized in the last few days is the moment I see any negativity in people I need to cut them loose. It doesn't make me feel good to be around them. Since I've stepped away from negative aspects of my life, lots of good things are happening and I know as long as I keep the darkness out of my life, it will continue to do so.

Sometimes we give away too much.

Today I had a conversation with a good friend, a best friend. She said some things to me that stung a little, but truthful things she only said because she cares about me. She told me that I give too much of myself away to people who don't deserve it and when I don't get the same reciprocated back, I silently act out. Under no terms did she say I was a door mat, rather a mothering type who is always looking out for the other guy, yet always going over the top.

I fought with myself to disagree with her, but, I couldn't. She was correct and that is what stung. She was painfully right, I give too much of myself to others, they rarely give back and I need to learn how to stop. I need to start saying no, start being selfish and if they don't give back I need to not continue on. I need to stop being nice, I need to learn to walk away.

Since I was a kid I've always looked after everyone. As an adult, though not wanting children, am the mothering type. Everyone comes to me when in need, having questions or, needing to get things done. I am the dependable, responsible one, the one that will get the job done, the sacrificial lamb. I've sacrificed and given without question, putting others first, over and over again.

Today, was an awakening. Today I realized that if I am EVER going to be able to make Carolina happy or get ahead in my life, I need to stop. I need to take myself off the offering table. I need to stop giving myself away.

something to really celebrate!!!

Some buildings don't have a 13th floor, my calendars don't have a Feb 14th on them. All today is, is a greeting card holiday, consumerism at it's best! The sad thing is a very, very small percentile of people actually know what the true story of St. Valentine really is. What I really don't get about today is why do you need one day out of the entire year, set aside to celebrate your love for someone? Shouldn't you be doing that every single day. And why is today just reserved for couples? Single people need to be appreciated as well, yet....

When you are single on February 14th, you suddenly become invisible to all of your coupled up friends. The only people who remember you are your girlfriends, the same girlfriends who are just as equally invisible today. No, I'm not some bitter single woman, jealous of couples, I LOVE being single. The thing is, I've never celebrated today due to it's sole purpose of ridiculousness. If today is all about love shouldn't it be celebrated every day and not just because you are a couple.

Today, I woke up to two adorable dogs kissing me and snuggling up to me. I then had the only people who matter in my life tell me that I was special to them, I will spend my day writing, going for a long walk, taking myself out for dinner, coming home, watching My Bloody Valentine, drink wine and crawl back into bed with my dogs. But I have been thinking long and hard about today, why isn't there a day to celebrate those of us who have fully embraced being single. So I am proposing something and not just an Anti-Valentines Day, day. We should start a day that lets single people embrace being single, the ability to show the world that they can proudly say, 'Today I am celebrating I'm not in a shitty relationship day.' or 'I don't have to put on a fake smile to make everyone think I'm happy day, day.' or 'Yes I'm single and proud of it day.' Ok, I need a little help with an actual title for the day, but... you all get it.

We have 'Days' for everything else, so why not a day for proud, independent, single people? We are the ones who deserve it!!!

cravings and cabin fever...

About every six months or so, I get this wicked urge to go to NYC. I haven't been there in a few years and miss it! It's not just a craving to visit though, since I can remember I have dreamed of living there, writing and enjoy all that amazing city has to offer. On schedule as with every other six months, I start watching movies that are based in the city, start perusing availability of apartments and checking for seat sales. About a year ago I was seriously looking into how I could move there and live as a working writer, paper work was partially filled out and plans were being made.

Why didn't I continue? A friend talked me out of it. Now I realize it was for her own selfish reasons, but none the less it worked, I put all the papers aside and continued on with my life in Toronto. Suddenly, here I am again, wanting. I'm not sure if it is cabin fever, or spring fever for that fact, or that every time I flip a channel or pick up a magazine I have NYC in my face, but I'm itching for that city. Right now I am also feeling very nostalgic, my cousin and I use to go all the time when I was in my twenties, without even a second consideration, we would both grab a few necessities and book the first plane out. We would spend long weekends wandering the streets of Manhattan, planning what building we would live in, what fashion houses she would work for and what magazines I would write for.

I've been asked three times in the last 6 months to go to NYC for a visit. I've turned all offers down, because deep down inside I know that if I go right now, I will find a way not to return to Toronto. I wish I could explain this need. A good majority of people don't understand why I would ever even consider moving to the US, let alone New York, but, there are the rare few who do. I for years didn't understand it myself, but apparently it is like a virus, once you've been bitten you just can't shake it. Someone suggested that if I lived there for a short period of time I would get rid of this infatuation and be able to move on, but somehow, I don't think I will. According to others who have the same 'virus' so to speak that I do, once it is in your blood, it is for good!

So, what am I going to do about this 'fever' I am having right now. Temporarily I will fulfill my needs with magazines, dvd's and websites. I will continue to price out shoebox sized apartments in Manhattan, and well, this time I think I am going to plan a weekend away. Spring in Manhattan is almost as wonderful as looking at the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Square. I'm afraid that this time my craving won't be one I can hold back. I just hope when I land at JFK... I am able to find my way back here.

What's Happening???

Have you ever watched a movie and been so affected by it, it was on your mind the next day? I have, and ordinarily it is because it affected me in a positive way or scared the shit out of me (which is really hard to do).

I watched The Happening last night and I've been thinking about it a lot today. In this case, it isn't a good thing. Right now, all I can say is M. Night Shyamalan, shame on you! You took what was a brilliant idea for a story and instead made a craptastic movie.

I am normally a huge M. Night fan. HUGE! But what the hell is up with this dud! It was as if, he only had an idea (mother nature is pissed and taking revenge), but had no real script. Is it just me or did it feel like the actors were basically told to go walk around some fields and just ad lib conversation and for good measure scream once in a while...

I am in general strongly opposed to remakes, for The Happening I will make a consideration. This could have been one hell of a terrifying movie. Mother Nature is an unstoppable force, how frightening to think she could unleash such chaos. There was so much that could have been done with this movie, yet....

If someone wants to finance me, I'd be more than happy to make this into a movie that deserves my praise.

M. Night... GOOD NITE!

Broken Pencil Issue 42

Hey all, Broken Pencil Issue 42 is out and on newsstands, you should go buy it and not just because some of my reviews are in it! Ok, because my reviews are in it (Hymn California and On Tenterhooks)!

:)