The last few days, I've felt this... dark hole opening up again. I feel like I am spiraling back down into no man's land... a purgatory of sorts. I sat here last night trying to figure out why, I tried comfort food (waffles), I tried watching movies, I even tried my old fall back, Jimmy Stewart. Nothing seems to have worked. I don't like this at all, I especially don't like the person I become, though a sure benefit is I tend to do my best writing when I'm in the place.
There is a combination of things that happened to put me here, insomnia is a part of it, but not in whole. I'm also my own worst enemy because I let myself get to this point by not speaking up or out, by letting things go when I shouldn't, grin and act like everything is fine when it's not and this is all completely avoidable, yet... here I am once again... I know this sounds like whining, woe always me, and if it does, so be it. So what's to be done? I will disappear into my own world for a while, write, watch movies and eat waffles.
Somewhere along the line I will will pull out my Jimmy Stewart, because what I really need right now, is a Jimmy Stewart in my life, but for now I guess I will have to settle for the one in my DVD collection.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I'm not getting the message...
This morning was the third morning in a row I have woken up from the same nightmare. I wake up feeling drained and full of dread. Normally when I dream, it is as if I am watching movie happening, when I have nightmares I see it all as I would through my own eyes. This nightmare is no exception, including full Technicolor, surround sound and terrifying emotion.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
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