Hey Ladies! I am working on my next two articles and need to hear your stories. These are my two topics:
He’s Your Friend’s Husband & He Hit On You
When To Call It Quits on A Friendship
Please email me at carolina@carolinasmart.ca with your stories, how this made you feel and any other thoughts you have on the topic. I am also looking for feedback from experts.
Also include your name or pseudonym, age, city and occupation!
Thank you! Carolina
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Three steps forward!
The last two and half years of my life have been full of chaos, change, realization, anger, loss, renewal and now finally, calm. The last year seems to be when the majority of all of this happened, but I’m glad it did. It had to because it led me to the place I am in my life right now. This place is a good place and I am finally happy.
There are many factors that got me here. Things that had to happen to make me realize I had been giving way too much of myself away to make others happy and keeping large parts of who I am hidden to not scare others away. I would continually let things go, let people hurt me and act as if things were ok. They weren’t ok, and it took me a year and a half to finally find myself again. I know this sounds all teenage angst and all, but it’s true. I had to buck up and walk away from all the things that were pushing me deeper into the mire that was becoming my life.
In the process of fixing me, I lost a friend of 15 years, lost another friend of a much shorter period, stopped dating all together, hermitted myself and became absorbed in my writing and took time to think long and hard about why I was miserable. What I realized, as I already mentioned, is I was giving away all of me and getting nothing back.
The hardest of all the losses to deal with was my friend of 15 years, she had been there through much of the bad times and most of the good times and I felt like I was going it completely on my own without her. I am not going to get into the whys, the past is the past and it needs to stay there. Though this sounds odd and as hard as it was, I needed to do it on my own. This was the only way I was going to find my strength again.
Finally I’ve found my happy place. I have people around me who like me for who I am, not for what I can do for them. Rather than have a small group of friends, I now have a larger, more diverse group. These are also people who don’t take offense if they don’t hear from me for days at a time, realizing I have a lot on my plate and are willing to let me do what I need to do. I also now quickly recognize all the warning signs and red flags and do not hesitate in walking away from things that are going to put me back in the black hole again.
The other thing I had to struggle with and am now over the hump, is I am incredibly happy being completely single. A year ago last July I stopped dating. The first few months were hard, I went through intense bouts of anger, sadness, low self esteem and loneliness. I feel we are conditioned to believe we need to have a companion or we aren’t complete. Though I do miss the fun benefits of having someone in my life, they were something I was willing to sacrifice and had to if I wanted to be ok again. Not dating was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.
Will I ever be in a relationship again? Maybe, but it has to be with the right person. The lesson I learned is don’t settle for anything less than your highest expectations. They need to have everything that is on the list, not just 60%. In all likelihood, I may never find that person and if so, so be it. It’s like buying a car, if I don’t like the options that come with it, I’m not buying the car!
Career wise, my life is insane, but that amazing I can’t get enough of this insane. I’ve taken a contract position at a publishing house and am learning how the other side of my world works. I’m only into week two but am loving it. I am still writing/editing full time as well and my own writing is moving in the right direction. Though slow, things are falling into place, apparently patience is a virtue that pays off.
It’s been a long, crazy journey, but I am now finally going down the road where I get to take three steps forward!
There are many factors that got me here. Things that had to happen to make me realize I had been giving way too much of myself away to make others happy and keeping large parts of who I am hidden to not scare others away. I would continually let things go, let people hurt me and act as if things were ok. They weren’t ok, and it took me a year and a half to finally find myself again. I know this sounds all teenage angst and all, but it’s true. I had to buck up and walk away from all the things that were pushing me deeper into the mire that was becoming my life.
In the process of fixing me, I lost a friend of 15 years, lost another friend of a much shorter period, stopped dating all together, hermitted myself and became absorbed in my writing and took time to think long and hard about why I was miserable. What I realized, as I already mentioned, is I was giving away all of me and getting nothing back.
The hardest of all the losses to deal with was my friend of 15 years, she had been there through much of the bad times and most of the good times and I felt like I was going it completely on my own without her. I am not going to get into the whys, the past is the past and it needs to stay there. Though this sounds odd and as hard as it was, I needed to do it on my own. This was the only way I was going to find my strength again.
Finally I’ve found my happy place. I have people around me who like me for who I am, not for what I can do for them. Rather than have a small group of friends, I now have a larger, more diverse group. These are also people who don’t take offense if they don’t hear from me for days at a time, realizing I have a lot on my plate and are willing to let me do what I need to do. I also now quickly recognize all the warning signs and red flags and do not hesitate in walking away from things that are going to put me back in the black hole again.
The other thing I had to struggle with and am now over the hump, is I am incredibly happy being completely single. A year ago last July I stopped dating. The first few months were hard, I went through intense bouts of anger, sadness, low self esteem and loneliness. I feel we are conditioned to believe we need to have a companion or we aren’t complete. Though I do miss the fun benefits of having someone in my life, they were something I was willing to sacrifice and had to if I wanted to be ok again. Not dating was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life.
Will I ever be in a relationship again? Maybe, but it has to be with the right person. The lesson I learned is don’t settle for anything less than your highest expectations. They need to have everything that is on the list, not just 60%. In all likelihood, I may never find that person and if so, so be it. It’s like buying a car, if I don’t like the options that come with it, I’m not buying the car!
Career wise, my life is insane, but that amazing I can’t get enough of this insane. I’ve taken a contract position at a publishing house and am learning how the other side of my world works. I’m only into week two but am loving it. I am still writing/editing full time as well and my own writing is moving in the right direction. Though slow, things are falling into place, apparently patience is a virtue that pays off.
It’s been a long, crazy journey, but I am now finally going down the road where I get to take three steps forward!
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