The last few days, I've felt this... dark hole opening up again. I feel like I am spiraling back down into no man's land... a purgatory of sorts. I sat here last night trying to figure out why, I tried comfort food (waffles), I tried watching movies, I even tried my old fall back, Jimmy Stewart. Nothing seems to have worked. I don't like this at all, I especially don't like the person I become, though a sure benefit is I tend to do my best writing when I'm in the place.
There is a combination of things that happened to put me here, insomnia is a part of it, but not in whole. I'm also my own worst enemy because I let myself get to this point by not speaking up or out, by letting things go when I shouldn't, grin and act like everything is fine when it's not and this is all completely avoidable, yet... here I am once again... I know this sounds like whining, woe always me, and if it does, so be it. So what's to be done? I will disappear into my own world for a while, write, watch movies and eat waffles.
Somewhere along the line I will will pull out my Jimmy Stewart, because what I really need right now, is a Jimmy Stewart in my life, but for now I guess I will have to settle for the one in my DVD collection.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I'm not getting the message...
This morning was the third morning in a row I have woken up from the same nightmare. I wake up feeling drained and full of dread. Normally when I dream, it is as if I am watching movie happening, when I have nightmares I see it all as I would through my own eyes. This nightmare is no exception, including full Technicolor, surround sound and terrifying emotion.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Check me out!!!
Check out an interview that was done with me by the lovely D. COLE OSSANDON.
http://www.shamelessmag.com/blog/2008/10/carolina-smart-queen-of-shebytches/#more
http://www.shamelessmag.com/blog/2008/10/carolina-smart-queen-of-shebytches/#more
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Positivity...
Positivity, isn't a real word... but I may add it to my growing book of words I've made up (descriptor words). It is however the verb I have decided to use to represent my life in the last few weeks. Far too long I have kept people and things in my life that dragged me down, tried to pull me into their constant drama and negativity. Something happened recently that gave me the kick in the pants that was needed to wake me up, to realize it was time to remove all these negative things from my life. So I did and since, everything that has been happening in my life is golden.
A few years ago I did something similar, cleaned house so to speak, but somehow I left some of those grey, negative dust bunnies back in. Those bunnies come in many shapes and forms and cannot be trusted. They are sneaky and get into corners that we sometimes cannot reach, yet when we find them they fight long and hard to deny their existence in order to stay hidden. I found those bunnies and sucked them up with a vacuum and then flushed them down the toilet. Gone bye bye for ever!
I've learned a hard lesson here, but not one I will ever forget and not one I will EVER repeat again. I only want positive things, influences and people in my life, the things/ones that are currently in my life I plan on keeping, the negatives that fight to creep back in won't ever be allowed to again.
Positivity is how I plan to live my life from this point forward.
A few years ago I did something similar, cleaned house so to speak, but somehow I left some of those grey, negative dust bunnies back in. Those bunnies come in many shapes and forms and cannot be trusted. They are sneaky and get into corners that we sometimes cannot reach, yet when we find them they fight long and hard to deny their existence in order to stay hidden. I found those bunnies and sucked them up with a vacuum and then flushed them down the toilet. Gone bye bye for ever!
I've learned a hard lesson here, but not one I will ever forget and not one I will EVER repeat again. I only want positive things, influences and people in my life, the things/ones that are currently in my life I plan on keeping, the negatives that fight to creep back in won't ever be allowed to again.
Positivity is how I plan to live my life from this point forward.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Patience and lack there of....
I need to learn how to be more patient!!! It is 4:57pm and I am sitting here STILL waiting for UPS to deliver my package. A package I apparently need to sign for... I'm starting to stew, you see I had my day all planned out. I was going to get up, do admin stuff, shower, run to the grocery store, do laundry, cook and write. The only thing I've been able to do all day, is write. Because I know the second, I hop in the shower, go put the laundry in or anything that doesn't allow me to run to the door... they will appear. I always tend to be the last person on their route, no matter where I live. And it is causing me great frustration (all though it has given me an awesome idea for a short story).
UPS aren't the only ones causing my patience to run thin. I have come to realize today that it isn't just delivery guys. I am impatient in soooo many other ways. Losing weight for instance. I know you can't rush it, that in order for you to lose weight and keep it off you need to do it slowly and properly. I get that. I have been working out every single day with my wii fit since the beginning of August and was starting to get frustrated on monday. In my mind at the rate I work out I should have lost 20 lbs by now... not 8. I should have better definition and look buff... Um.. I had to remove myself from fantasy land!!! 8lbs in month and half is pretty damn good! So I've convinced myself to not give up again. To keep working out. I love to eat, so unless I want to end up at 300lbs, I need to keep pushing on.
I have zero patience when it comes to dating, relationships etc. I'm a brat, I need lots of attention all the time and when I don't get it as often as I like, I write people off. I figure they can't make the effort, then why should I. Of course this all comes from one bad experience, where I was extremely patient with one person and in the end I felt like I wasted so much time! From that point on, I lose patience pretty much right away. This also goes for people in general. I've tried to change this but can't. I feel by doing that I'm lowering my standards of how I expect to be treated. I refuse to do that anymore. But the pay off can't be pushing people away due to my lack of patience.
Then there is my career. I understand my chosen field of writing is never a overnight success type. There is a lot of long hard work that needs to be done before I can ever reach success.
I need to be more realistic. I need to be more patient. I need to stop being a brat.
UPS aren't the only ones causing my patience to run thin. I have come to realize today that it isn't just delivery guys. I am impatient in soooo many other ways. Losing weight for instance. I know you can't rush it, that in order for you to lose weight and keep it off you need to do it slowly and properly. I get that. I have been working out every single day with my wii fit since the beginning of August and was starting to get frustrated on monday. In my mind at the rate I work out I should have lost 20 lbs by now... not 8. I should have better definition and look buff... Um.. I had to remove myself from fantasy land!!! 8lbs in month and half is pretty damn good! So I've convinced myself to not give up again. To keep working out. I love to eat, so unless I want to end up at 300lbs, I need to keep pushing on.
I have zero patience when it comes to dating, relationships etc. I'm a brat, I need lots of attention all the time and when I don't get it as often as I like, I write people off. I figure they can't make the effort, then why should I. Of course this all comes from one bad experience, where I was extremely patient with one person and in the end I felt like I wasted so much time! From that point on, I lose patience pretty much right away. This also goes for people in general. I've tried to change this but can't. I feel by doing that I'm lowering my standards of how I expect to be treated. I refuse to do that anymore. But the pay off can't be pushing people away due to my lack of patience.
Then there is my career. I understand my chosen field of writing is never a overnight success type. There is a lot of long hard work that needs to be done before I can ever reach success.
I need to be more realistic. I need to be more patient. I need to stop being a brat.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Embracing Spinsterhood
Recently I was told by three women who are near and dear to my heart, (mother, and 2 best friends) that I am quite a catch. Really? Really. I find this statement quite interesting because I have yet to be caught. The longer I go not being caught, whilst watching many of my female friends starting relationships, getting engaged/married, having babies and so forth, I wonder... have I not been caught because I'm too hard to catch or because I'm not suppose to be caught? I kept struggling with that point and it was frustrating me. Today I saw the word spinster and thought shit, that is what I am turning into, a spinster. After a few moments of pondering this, I realized, that isn't a bad thing. I'm 42, childless, independent, driven, intelligent, intellectual, creative and damn it can make a mean tart. I'm pretty damn awesome and it's too bad that someone, other than the women in my life, hasn't figured it out. Rather than mope on the fact, I've decided to take my awesomeness to the next individual, independent level and embrace the fact that I am a spinster. Sing it out loud sister!
Normally the word spinster would be taboo because the spinsters of yore aren't the same as the ones today, yet people still continue to understand the term as it was originally meant. This is the traditional meaning of the word spinster. "A spinster (or old maid) is a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry, therefore has no children. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is generally considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term "bachelor" for males. While men can continue to have children into their 70s or 80s, women generally become less and less able to bear children as they get older. So the term "old maid" is only applied to women who are past a child bearing age but have never married." In some ways a spinster today isn't the same and in other ways it is, and even with today's standards I am now considered a spinster. Yes it is 2008, I am still considered at 42 unmarriable. Sounds a little harsh, yes, but it is actually quite true. Men my age rarely want to marry someone their own age. They require a younger model with the options of reproduction. (I guess they haven't heard that women can still bear children until their mid 50's). Ok, so be it, but they also don't realized those younger models will also be in their 40's one day.
I'm not going to lie, this still makes me a wee bit sad. But, rather than spending wasted energy on the fact that I am a spinster, I am actually going to embrace it. Every family has one spinster aunt. That gets to be me. I've always been an individual, the odd ball out in my family, so it is fitting.
Welcome to the spinsterhood, I am going the wear the title with pride!!!
Normally the word spinster would be taboo because the spinsters of yore aren't the same as the ones today, yet people still continue to understand the term as it was originally meant. This is the traditional meaning of the word spinster. "A spinster (or old maid) is a woman or girl of marriageable age who has been unwilling or unable to marry, therefore has no children. Socially, the term is usually applied only to women who are regarded as beyond the customary age for marriage, and is generally considered an insulting term, more degrading than the term "bachelor" for males. While men can continue to have children into their 70s or 80s, women generally become less and less able to bear children as they get older. So the term "old maid" is only applied to women who are past a child bearing age but have never married." In some ways a spinster today isn't the same and in other ways it is, and even with today's standards I am now considered a spinster. Yes it is 2008, I am still considered at 42 unmarriable. Sounds a little harsh, yes, but it is actually quite true. Men my age rarely want to marry someone their own age. They require a younger model with the options of reproduction. (I guess they haven't heard that women can still bear children until their mid 50's). Ok, so be it, but they also don't realized those younger models will also be in their 40's one day.
I'm not going to lie, this still makes me a wee bit sad. But, rather than spending wasted energy on the fact that I am a spinster, I am actually going to embrace it. Every family has one spinster aunt. That gets to be me. I've always been an individual, the odd ball out in my family, so it is fitting.
Welcome to the spinsterhood, I am going the wear the title with pride!!!
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