Normally I'm not one to sit and reflect. I'm not a live in the past type of gal. What's done is done, you can't change it, so move on. Yet, I am sitting here thinking about the last year. It has been insanely busy and full of change. Some good, some bad, some extraordinary.
I've said hello to new friends, good bye to some old ones.
I've started a relationship and ended it.
I've spent the year writing and living out my dream.
I've seen things and been places that were on my todo list.
I've realized what a true friend is and I have seen what it is like to be hurt by a friend.
I've learned some hard lessons, the biggest one was regarding trust.
I've learned that solitude is the best way to deal with ones anger.
Because of everything that has happened to me this year, I've realized a few things about myself, some I don't like and other things I am proud of. One thing I did realize is I have been given a gift and I need to start working harder to achieve the goals that come with that gift. Reflecting, I realize that 2009 is going to be a stellar year, but I need to work harder to make dreams come to fruition.
Do I regret any of the negative things that have happened in my life. Not at all, they happen so you appreciate the wonderful things, that and I live by the motto 'never live your life with regrets, don't wake up tomorrow and say to yourself, woulda, coulda, shoulda.' Life is to short for regrets.
2009 is just a few days away and I cannot wait for it to get started!!! I know this crazy journey that is my life is about to get crazier and I have amazing family and friends who are willing to come along on the ride with me, and I promise those who do that it is going to be one hell of a ride.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The Paranormal Show's run has been extended!!!
The Paranormal Show has extended it's run at the Campbell House till December 20th.
The Paranormal Show has just completed a successful two month run at the Diesel Playhouse, performing six amazing shows a week! NOW you can witness The Paranormal Show in an intimate setting that puts you in the middle of all the action! Opening November 13th 2008, The Paranormal Show can be seen at Toronto's oldest remaining home, The Campbell House!
Your journey into the Paranormal will begin on the top floor in the Campbell House Ballroom. The Victorian candle lit corridors, shadows dancing on the walls and the ambient cello music playing will set the mood as the evening progresses. After seeing some spectacular feats the mind bending journey will end when the audience makes their way down to the cellar to experience a full blown Seance!
www.theparanormalshow.net
SHOW INFORMATION:
Location Campbell House Museum, 160 Queen St. W, Toronto, Ontario, M5H 3H3
Box Office 416 597 0227
Dates December 5, 12, 19, 20
Showtime 9pm
Price $40.00
The Paranormal Show has just completed a successful two month run at the Diesel Playhouse, performing six amazing shows a week! NOW you can witness The Paranormal Show in an intimate setting that puts you in the middle of all the action! Opening November 13th 2008, The Paranormal Show can be seen at Toronto's oldest remaining home, The Campbell House!
Your journey into the Paranormal will begin on the top floor in the Campbell House Ballroom. The Victorian candle lit corridors, shadows dancing on the walls and the ambient cello music playing will set the mood as the evening progresses. After seeing some spectacular feats the mind bending journey will end when the audience makes their way down to the cellar to experience a full blown Seance!
www.theparanormalshow.net
SHOW INFORMATION:
Location Campbell House Museum, 160 Queen St. W, Toronto, Ontario, M5H 3H3
Box Office 416 597 0227
Dates December 5, 12, 19, 20
Showtime 9pm
Price $40.00
Sunday, November 23, 2008
No mans land...
The last few days, I've felt this... dark hole opening up again. I feel like I am spiraling back down into no man's land... a purgatory of sorts. I sat here last night trying to figure out why, I tried comfort food (waffles), I tried watching movies, I even tried my old fall back, Jimmy Stewart. Nothing seems to have worked. I don't like this at all, I especially don't like the person I become, though a sure benefit is I tend to do my best writing when I'm in the place.
There is a combination of things that happened to put me here, insomnia is a part of it, but not in whole. I'm also my own worst enemy because I let myself get to this point by not speaking up or out, by letting things go when I shouldn't, grin and act like everything is fine when it's not and this is all completely avoidable, yet... here I am once again... I know this sounds like whining, woe always me, and if it does, so be it. So what's to be done? I will disappear into my own world for a while, write, watch movies and eat waffles.
Somewhere along the line I will will pull out my Jimmy Stewart, because what I really need right now, is a Jimmy Stewart in my life, but for now I guess I will have to settle for the one in my DVD collection.
There is a combination of things that happened to put me here, insomnia is a part of it, but not in whole. I'm also my own worst enemy because I let myself get to this point by not speaking up or out, by letting things go when I shouldn't, grin and act like everything is fine when it's not and this is all completely avoidable, yet... here I am once again... I know this sounds like whining, woe always me, and if it does, so be it. So what's to be done? I will disappear into my own world for a while, write, watch movies and eat waffles.
Somewhere along the line I will will pull out my Jimmy Stewart, because what I really need right now, is a Jimmy Stewart in my life, but for now I guess I will have to settle for the one in my DVD collection.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I'm not getting the message...
This morning was the third morning in a row I have woken up from the same nightmare. I wake up feeling drained and full of dread. Normally when I dream, it is as if I am watching movie happening, when I have nightmares I see it all as I would through my own eyes. This nightmare is no exception, including full Technicolor, surround sound and terrifying emotion.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
The nightmare starts and ends exactly the same way. I am standing in a corner of a room shivering, terrified and crying. The room is square, brown, dingy, windowless (with some type of light source that I can't see), doorless and with a cold stone floor. I can actually sense how cold the floor is, I can see the details of imperfections in the stone, things such as the mortar holding it together. In the corner to the left of me is a brown wooden slat bed with just a white feather pillow on it, no blankets or any source of warmth. My senses tell me that I am in a Monk's room. I feel trapped, anxious, terrified and full of despair. I can actually feel my heart beating, it is pounding so hard it feels as if it is about to burst through my chest.
Suddenly my body starts to shake even harder, I look up and there is an old man standing in the corner that is diagonal to me. He looks like he is in his 70's, yet I feel as if he is ancient, older than time. He has on a white shirt, with his sleeves rolled up a few turns, black pants and suspenders. His hands are hanging to his side. In a flash he is in front of me, his eyes are vacant and black, he makes a terrifying shrill noise opens his unimaginably wide mouth (it is as if he has no hinge in his jaw). I see rows and rows of razor sharp teeth, similar to that of a shark. I cannot scream, instead let out a moan of defeat and as I do he starts to rip me apart with his teeth.
I can actually feel my body being ravaged, my heart beating harder and harder, then weaker. I feel helpless, then angry, then sad. After what feels like an eternity, I sense that it is almost over, that I am about to die and just as I am feeling my last heart beat, I wake up.
I realize this is a nightmare, but why three mornings in a row and why am I waking up feeling drained, sad, dark. I do things during the day to try and shake it, but I can't and this nightmare is so incredibly vivid I can see it right now. Is my sub-conscience or something else trying to send me a message? If so, why am I not getting it? Or am I but I just don't want to admit I understand.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Check me out!!!
Check out an interview that was done with me by the lovely D. COLE OSSANDON.
http://www.shamelessmag.com/blog/2008/10/carolina-smart-queen-of-shebytches/#more
http://www.shamelessmag.com/blog/2008/10/carolina-smart-queen-of-shebytches/#more
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Positivity...
Positivity, isn't a real word... but I may add it to my growing book of words I've made up (descriptor words). It is however the verb I have decided to use to represent my life in the last few weeks. Far too long I have kept people and things in my life that dragged me down, tried to pull me into their constant drama and negativity. Something happened recently that gave me the kick in the pants that was needed to wake me up, to realize it was time to remove all these negative things from my life. So I did and since, everything that has been happening in my life is golden.
A few years ago I did something similar, cleaned house so to speak, but somehow I left some of those grey, negative dust bunnies back in. Those bunnies come in many shapes and forms and cannot be trusted. They are sneaky and get into corners that we sometimes cannot reach, yet when we find them they fight long and hard to deny their existence in order to stay hidden. I found those bunnies and sucked them up with a vacuum and then flushed them down the toilet. Gone bye bye for ever!
I've learned a hard lesson here, but not one I will ever forget and not one I will EVER repeat again. I only want positive things, influences and people in my life, the things/ones that are currently in my life I plan on keeping, the negatives that fight to creep back in won't ever be allowed to again.
Positivity is how I plan to live my life from this point forward.
A few years ago I did something similar, cleaned house so to speak, but somehow I left some of those grey, negative dust bunnies back in. Those bunnies come in many shapes and forms and cannot be trusted. They are sneaky and get into corners that we sometimes cannot reach, yet when we find them they fight long and hard to deny their existence in order to stay hidden. I found those bunnies and sucked them up with a vacuum and then flushed them down the toilet. Gone bye bye for ever!
I've learned a hard lesson here, but not one I will ever forget and not one I will EVER repeat again. I only want positive things, influences and people in my life, the things/ones that are currently in my life I plan on keeping, the negatives that fight to creep back in won't ever be allowed to again.
Positivity is how I plan to live my life from this point forward.
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